Drinks jokes (181 to 195)

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior"

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "
"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Thoughts To Ponder

Thoughts To Ponder
1. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
2. Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
3. Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
4. Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
5.Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
6. If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
7. Do prison buses have emergency exits?
8. Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
9. When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
10. If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
11. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
12. If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?
13. If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
14. Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
15. If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
16. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
17. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
18. Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?
19. What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?
20. If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Is it true that Jesus could on

Is it true that Jesus could only perform miracles, because He was on steroids?
Yes - after all, he was King of the Juice!

Learning with Tequila

Tequila is an excellent teacher...
Just last night it taught me to count...
One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

A guy came into a bar one day

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Wow! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

A woman was on the witness sta

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."

If Men Truly Ran The World.

If Men Truly Ran The World...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
13. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
14. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
15. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
16. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
17. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"
18. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
19. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
20. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
21. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
22. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
23. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
24. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Billy Bob started a new constr

Billy Bob started a new construction job on a Tuesday, worked the rest of the week and on the following Monday morning, calls his foreman. "Boss, I'm not gonna make it in today...I'm sick."
He shows up Tuesday morning, works the rest of the week and the following Monday, sure enough, he calls the foreman. "Boss, not gonna make it today...I'm sick."
The foreman calls him into his office Tuesday morning, sits him down and says, "Billy, this calling in on Mondays has to stop. You're a good worker and I don't want to fire you. Is there something wrong? Drugs, Alcohol?"
Billy Bob replies, "No, sir. I don't drink or do drugs, but my brother in law does. He gets drunk and beats my sister around. Monday mornings, I visit her, comfort her and then we have sex."
The foreman's jaw drops and he asks "Billy, did I hear you right? You're having sex with your sister?"
Billy Bob replies, "I told you I was sick."

The local bar was so sure that

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

 Throw Away Exhibits

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
December 18, 1992
In October, a cleaning crew accidentally tossed out an exhibit at the Museum of Discovery and Science in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. The exhibit consisted of 14,000 cigarette butts -- the amount a smoker produces in a lifetime -- crammed into coffee cans. Said the artist, in defense of the cleaning crew, "(The butts) didn't smell very good."

 Having A Very Bad Day

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
   
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
   
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
   
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
   
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
   
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
   
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
   
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
   
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
   
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
    
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
    
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
    
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
    
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
    
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
    
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
    
17. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
    
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
    
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
    
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
    
21. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
    
22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
    
23. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
    
24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
    
25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
    

Several Olympic events involve

Several Olympic events involve coffee: eg. the decaflon and the java line.

Performance Evaluations

Performance Evaluations
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ... .
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

There was a boy playing in the

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
"What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says, "You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat.
The the boy says, "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad, open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues...
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"