Drinks jokes (226 to 240)Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 226 to 240. |
1. Do not walk behind me, for
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
On the first day of school, th
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it."Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
#joke #drinks #wine #champagne
Ice Cream Flavor Galore
A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.
Math Problems
Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:
10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars soap at $.83 each
"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.
"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."
"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.
"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.
Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."
A man walks into a bar and say
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."Bartender asks, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."
He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted.
So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eyes and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native witch doctor a dickhead!"
A farmer and his wife were lay
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother."
"Well, butter my butt and call
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.""It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
"She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
"Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
"He's as country as corn flakes."
"This is gooder'n grits."
"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone tohelp me enjoy it."
Scary Collection 59
A witch joke
What do you call a witch you likes the beach but is scared of the water?
A chicken sandwitch!
A witch joke
Why did the witches go on strike?
They wanted sweeping reforms!
A witch joke
When a witch falls into a pond what is the first thing that she does?
Get wet!
A witch joke
What did the witch say to the ugly toad?
"I'd put a curse on you but it looks like someone already beat me to it"!
A wizard joke
What do you call a warlock who tries to stop fights?
A peacelock!
A wizard joke
What kinds of wizards can jump higher than a bus?
All of them, busses don't jump!
A wizard joke
What happened when the wizard drank a bottle of lemonade?
He burped 7-Up!
The only cow in a small Kentuc...
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The peopledid some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the stateline in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. Itproduced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce morecows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move awayfrom the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were veryupset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mountour cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. Anattempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where theybought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did youknow we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
