Drinks jokes (241 to 255)

The after-dinner speaker just

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.
As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

A man is dining in a fancy res...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."

Q. When is a retiree's bedtim

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Want Another?

Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
“Want another?” asked the bartender.
“I think not,” Descartes replied. Then he disappeared.

A guy sees an advertisement in...

A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."
The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?"
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

To impress his date, the young

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

The guy

The guy who sipped his beers was into malt licker.

 Please Show The I.D.

The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

The Japanese eat very little f

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than theBritish or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewerheart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacksthan the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewerheart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Mix Alcohol & American Literature

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.

Good dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide togo to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How didyou figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

Some tequila

The hobo asked me for some tequila, but I told him ‘Agave at the office.'

“Fairgrounds are medi

“Fairgrounds are mediocre coffee.”

Don't Do It

A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"
His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."

6 Funny Christmas Jokes

"What do you call Santa’s most impolite reindeer?"
"Rude-olph."

"What street in France do reindeer live on?"
"Rue Dolph."

"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?"
"Nothing, it’s on the house!"

"What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up in the sky?"
"Looks like rein, deer!"

"Why doesn’t Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?"
"He’s on a non-deery diet."

"What kind of money do reindeer use?"
"Bucks!"