Drinks jokes (256 to 270)Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 256 to 270. |
A diner was agitated that the
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?"
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy init! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot andone for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied shewas so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don'tremember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five tosix ."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you somuch that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She triedin vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Momexplained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it'sme?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Pleasedon't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do Icost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging andkissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked hisdad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Momasked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happenwith this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The mannamed Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but hiswife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, Jamesasked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, ratherwrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and thenasked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particularSunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extendedtoward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, weare but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my veryobedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audiblyin her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Alex, a widower, went to a sen
Alex, a widower, went to a senior citizen's dance. There he met Ruth, a woman also advanced in years. Alex and Ruth danced every dance together.Afterward, they went out for coffee. As they walked home, Ruth said, "You remind me of my fourth husband."
Alex said, "Really? How many times have you been married?"
Ruth said, "Three."
The bartender asks the guy sit
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
Evils of alcohol
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
Two men staggered into the pub
Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender."What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," his pal replied.
Choosing a profession
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:
a Bible,
a silver dollar, and
a bottle of whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects! on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
30 Funny Skeleton Halloween Jokes
Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it.
Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny bone.
Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him.
Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room
Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under
Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones.
Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs
Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a beer and a mop.
Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume
Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin
Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit!
Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs.
Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow.
Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage
Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer
Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula
Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary
Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop
Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead
Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Bone to be wild!
Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones.
Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones
Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus
Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the bone-us points
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with.
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him
Claire, after retiring from a
Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied Victoria, "but I can't possibly sell you that."
"Oh, what a pity, but why not?" inquired Claire.
"Because," said the owner, "that's my husband."
Three ex-pats are drinking in
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar."As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way with the locals. When you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth."
"Well Angus," said the Englishman. "At my local pub in London, The Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you step foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another. In fact all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough to drink, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claim. "Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"Not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishamn, "but it did happen to my sister quite a few times."
Redneck Letter
Redneck Letter
Dear Billy Joe Bob,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though - last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt
Better than money
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
