Drinks jokes (286 to 300)Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 286 to 300. |
Some Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Lightbulb Joke Collection 42
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're never in the dark.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to change the bulb, three to watch him work, one to supervise, one to make the tea, and two to phone in to say that they can't make it in to work today.
Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour.
Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.
Qs and As
Q:
Qs and AsQ: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a mans heart?
A: Through the chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why does the bride wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: How do you know when you are really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends,"
Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex,too.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breast don't have eyes.
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time" a southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."
I Get No Respect 06
"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."
"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"
"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"
Buffalo Theory
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Funniest tweet at Edinburgh fringe and 6 shortlisted
“wis walkin home n someone threw a block of cheese oot their windee n it hit me on the head, i turned n shouted that wisna very mature wis it”
This Cheesy pun was deemed the best joke of Scottish Twitter by a panel of comedians on 2019 Edinburgh fringe.
@marcsimps0n posted Winning Joke tweet. on Sep 28, 2017.
Other shortlisted entries:
Dreadin the day someone gets down on one knee and asks me to marry them cos a have a hefty double chin when a look down - TM (twitter - @TeiganMair)
Canny believe how expensive being alive is - Nicole Baird (@Nicolebairdd_X)
Mental that yer nipples are older than yer teeth - Danny Gilmartin(@DannyGilmartin1)
Fucking class having a shower at your girlfriends. Using stuff like a charcoal facial scrub and a pomegranate & mango shower milk, I’ve came out the shower smelling like a fresh fruit market on a hot summers day, feeling like a brand new woman. 13/10 would recommend. - Flanny (@LiamFlannigan1)
Also, check out The best Joke of 2019 Edinburgh fringe, alongside nine more jokes that almost won.Lightbulb Joke Collection 103
Q: How many Artificial Intelligence (AI) people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least 55: The problem space group (5) [One to define the goal state, One to define the operators, One to describe the universal problem solver, One to hack the production system, One to indicate about how it is a model of human lightbulb changing behaviour], The logical formalism group (16): [One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic, One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logic, One to show the adequacy of FOL, One to show the inadequacy of FOL, One to show that lightbulb logic is non-monotonic, One to show that it isn't non-monotonic, One to show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL, One to determine the bindings for the variables, One to show the completeness of the solution, One to show the consistency of the solution, One to show that the two just above are incoherent, One to hack a theorem prover for lightbulb resolution, One to suggest a parallel theory of lightbulb logic theorem proving, One to show that the parallel theory isn't complete. ...ad infinitum (or absurdum, as you will). ... One to indicate how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call the electrician], The robotics group (10): [One to build a vision system to recognize the dead bulb, One to build a vision system to locate a new bulb, One to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it, One to figure out how to make a universal joint that will permit the hand to rotate 360+ degrees, One to figure out how to make the universal joint go the other way, One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to the socket, One to organize the construction teams, One to hack the planning system, One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the research, One to indicate about how the robot mimics human motor behaviour in lightbulb changing], The knowledge engineering group (6): [One to study electricians' changing lightbulbs, One to arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines, One to assure the customer that this is a hard problem and that great accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this effort (The same one can arrange for the fleecing.), One to study related research, One to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call the lisp hackers], The Lisp hackers (13): [One to bring up the chaos net, One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the group's political beliefs, One to fix the compiler, One to make incompatible changes to the primitives, One to provide the Coke, One to rehack the Lisp editor/debugger, One to rehack the window package, Another to fix the compiler, One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp dialect, Another to rehack the window package properly, One to flame on BUG-LISPM, Another to fix the microcode, One to write the fifteen lines of code required to change the lightbulb], The Psychological group (5): [One to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance, One to gather and run subjects, One to mathematically model the behaviour, One to call the expert systems group, One to adjust the resulting system, so that it drops the right number of bulbs.
17 how to be be Politically Correct Jokes
How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)
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He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)
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He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
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He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
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He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
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He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
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He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
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He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
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He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
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He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
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He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
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He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
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He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
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He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
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He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
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He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
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He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
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He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.
Fishing in a puddle
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
‘You're the eighth.‘
Found on Tell Funny Stories - A willing victim letting himself be caught joke, posted October 24, 2010
Tea set
A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.
Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.
The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Walk across the lake
At a family gathering, Fred's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather bragged that they had all been able to walk on water to the bar across the lake for their first legal drinks. So when Fred's 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the center of the lake, stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned. Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked kindly into Fred's eyes and said, "Because they were all born in January, and you were born in August."
Joke found on https://www.sysnative.com/ on Ongoing Joke Thread forum, posted on Jun 6, 2013 by DonnaB
Two drunks went into a bar and
Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the toilet to investigate.
He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that every time he flushed the toilet something reached up and hit him on the bottom.
His friend shook his head and said, "You soft beggar, you're sitting on the mop bucket."
New Elements On The Periodi
New Elements On The Periodic TableElement: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
