Drinks jokes (421 to 435)Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 421 to 435. |
The Truth About Nutrition
Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Here's a way to spice up your...
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:ONE POINT
Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINTS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
Wifi password
Me: What's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". No spaces, all lowercase.
Author:ShaidarHaran2
#joke #drinks #coke #pepsi
The Cowboy & Widow
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally, he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
'Now take off my bra..' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
A big-city resident was spendi
A big-city resident was spending his vacation in a small town in the country. Chatting with a local in the coffee shop, he asked, "Do you know any big people who were born here?"The villager scratched his head and then said, "No, sir. Only tiny babies are born here."
Jon left for a two day busines...
Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
George: Condi! Nice to see you
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Con di: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi?
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China!!!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!!!
Farm Jokes 08
What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs?
A pigtail!
Where do cows go on a Saturday night?
To the moo-vies!
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk!
Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food?
Because he was a little gobbler!
Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road?
To see Gregory Peck!
What kind of tie does a pig wear?
Pig's tie!
What is another name for a cow?
A lawn-mooer!
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
Because she was afraid someone would caesar!
What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar!
Head Goes To The Bar
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Question And Answer
An economist is someone who gets rich explaining others why they are poor.
The last severe depression and banking crisis could not have been achieved by normal civil servants and politicians, it required economists involvement.
Contagion: A strory demostrating the possible outcomes from interlinkages in the financial markets.
Two economists sit down to play chess. They study the board for 24 hours and declare a stale-mate.
Q: What does it take to be a good economist?
A: An unshakeable grasp of the obvious!
Q: What's the difference between mathematics and economics?
A: Mathematics is incomprehensible; economics just doesn't make any sense.
An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics major?
A: Opportunity cost
The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist.
The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen
I don't think you can spend yourself rich. - George Humphrey
If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. - George Bernard Shaw
An economist is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Tariff -- A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
Economists are people who are too smart for their own good and not smart enough for anyone else's.
Economy -- Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
An economist is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel it's your fault.
The most unfair thing about li
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death! What is that, a bonus?The cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for high school. You go to primary school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating. You finish off as an orgasm.
#joke #drinks #alcohol
A Bet Made At The Local Bar
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
You're not a kid anymore w
You're not a kid anymore when:- You enjoy watching the news.
- You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
- You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
- The phone rings and you hope it's NOT for you.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.
- You start singing along with the elevator music.
- You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
- The only reason you're still awake at 4:00 am is indigestion.
- People ask what color your hair USED to be.
- You're proud of your lawnmower!
- You point out what buildings used to be where.
- You routinely check the oil in your car.
- You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style, TWICE.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- 8:00 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".
- Neighbors borrow your tools.
- Others ask for your recipes.
- You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
- You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
- You wear socks with sandals.
#joke #drinks #coffee
