Drinks jokes (451 to 465)Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 451 to 465. |
A college student picked up hi
A college student picked up his date at her parent's home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu - appetizers, lobster, champagne... the works.Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."
Baptism
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
A drunk at the bar
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Carl was talking to a girl in
Carl was talking to a girl in a New York City bar. He asked, "Can I get you a drink?"The girl replied, "Certainly."
Carl then asked, "What would you like?"
The girl said, "Champagne."
Carl then asked, "Why Champagne?"
The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth."
Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?"
The girl replied, "I'll cut wet farts all night."
Beer contains and female hormones
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.
Life's questions...
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Or cat-flavored dog food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
I'm your best friend!
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
Lets face it, there are a lot
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour **** out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the brightest light bulb.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Not playing with all 52 cards.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few feathers short of a full pillow.
Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot.
A few links short in a chain.
A door without a handle.
A few bits short of a byte.
Power Outage
During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down. Also, my cell phone battery was dead. To make matters worse it was raining and I couldn't play golf.
So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power,
so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.
You know, she seems like a nice person.
Power Outage
During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down. Also, my cell phone battery was dead. To make matters worse it was raining
and I couldn't play golf.
So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power, so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.
You know, she seems like a nice person.
Top Signs You're Bored at Work
You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
Hot and cold...
A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"
"Yea! What is that?"
"Why that's a thermos!"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"I'll take it"
The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"
"It's a thermos"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"So whatcha got in it?"
"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."
Free Drinks For Everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
