Drinks jokes (511 to 525)

An elderly man is stopped by

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked wherehe is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and theeffects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying outlate."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time ofnight?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Don't take life too seriously..........no one makes it out alive anyway!!!

How Old Are You?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.

A laywoman was driving down...

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”

 Terrorize Telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
   
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
   
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
   
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
   
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
   
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
   
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
   
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
   
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
   
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
    

Only in America

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...

A Very Good Reason...

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is, he replied.... "Breakfast."

Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

Drinking again

A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

 A Redneck Oil Change

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337

 Menu Item Translations

The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried friendship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
French Creeps - L.A.
Fried fishermen - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania
Product Names
Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Libido - Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Zit - Greek soft drink
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent

What does a skeleton order at

What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? It's good for the bones.
Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.

You boys been drinkin?

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

The Husband Store – Still True

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.

It was mailman George's last

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"
"Breakfast was my idea."

Complicated order

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"