Drinks jokes (61 to 75)

Hammer Time

A man visiting his neighbor's house is shocked to see their little boy pounding nails into their expensive coffee table. "How can you afford to let your son do that?" he asked his host.
"Oh, it's really no issue," the host replied. "I get the nails cheap."

Whiskey Therapy

I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me, "Do you need help?"
I replied, "Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead."

Kids' Bible Jokes

Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?
A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.

Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.

Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
A. Quackers.

Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?
A. Because they were using "fowl" language.Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman? A: By his net income.

Having Communion

Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I don't eat, I don't pay!"

Breakfast Time

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked Dewey, the new husband.
"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.

Who Should Make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

The Designated Canine

While taking their dog on a road trip, a family carries his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion they stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, the husband noticed a man watching with fascination.
The man slowly approached the family and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let that dog drive!"

Have you been to Germany? The

Have you been to Germany? The food is good in München and the beer is great in Slürpen!

New Book Club

A friend of mine told me about the book club she joined.
It's called, "Read between the wines."

What did Picard say when the f

What did Picard say when the food replicator was out of genuine Earl Grey tea?

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall

Come out and watch us kill Christ the King

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale

It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house
Don't forget your husbands

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm

Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church
Children will be baptized at both ends

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social
All ladies giving milk will please come early

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist
Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday

Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this week

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him

After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

A Labor Day Beer

My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer.
He said to me, "You can't drink while you're working."
I said, "Oh, don't worry - I'm not working."

Rain & Diet Coke

I am constantly drinking Diet Coke.
On a rainy day I told my 9 year-old son that I needed an umbrella because I’m made of sugar and will melt in the rain.
He said, “You sure it's not artificial sugar?”

Converting a Bear

Every Monday, a rabbi, a priest, and a preacher gather in a coffee shop to discuss their spiritual lives. During one of these meetings, the priest challenges the others to a unique bet: he believes he can convert a bear in the woods to his religion. The others are intrigued and accept the challenge, agreeing to share their experiences at their next meeting.
The following week, they all meet in the hospital, each in varying degrees of injury. They decide to convene in the rabbi's hospital room.

The Priest's Tale

The priest, with his arm in a sling, recounts his encounter first.
"Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The others nod in approval.

The Preacher's Encounter

Next, the preacher. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm.
He says
"Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible.
So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times.
Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."

The Rabbi's Experience

Finally, they turn to the rabbi. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon.
He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."

Nun of Your Business

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.“The curlers are on me.”-