Drinks jokes (616 to 630)Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 616 to 630. |
Blonde quickies 5
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilised.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A: Kick open the car door.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Here are some observations abo
Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel agent with 30 years experience. Should we be worried about some of the people running our country?I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... (click).
A Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"
I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude." After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I actually was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them
A Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted
Nasty women?
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.
A little town had a high birth
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
Over drinks one afternoon a bu
Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"
Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."
Four old retired guys are walk...
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - All drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
Beer drinking 101
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.
Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.
Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.
Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.
Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.
Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.
Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.
Twas the Month after Chanukah...
'Twas the Month after Chanukah
Twas the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the latkas I'd taste
At Chanukah parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine or the egg creams, the bread and the cheese
and the way I'd never said, ''No thank you, please.''
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
''You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!''
So... away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate, each cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
''Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want to chew only a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILD
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
A truck driver hauling a tract
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK". He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, "The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license", he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
The Old Lady!
One day a guy walks into a bar and sees this jar of money, so he goes up to the bartender and asked him what it was for he says well where having a contest. You see that guy over there you have to tap him on the shoulder and knock him out in one punch. The guy says I can do that. Then he says next you have to go in that cage over there and there is a dog in there he has all the rabies in the world you have to pull out three of his teeth.He says I can do that. Then the bartender says next you have to FUCK that old lady over there, the man syas no I won't do that. He has a couple of beers then puts his money in the jar and then taps the guy on the shoulder and knocks him out in one punch. hen goes in the cage and comes out 3 minutes later and says where is the old lyady that needs her teeth pulled.
A man has a racehorse that nev...
A man has a racehorse that never won a race. The man says in disgust, "Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."The starting gate opens and all the horses take off running except for the man's horse which is lying there asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, "Why are you sleeping?"
The sleepy horse raises his head and says, "I have to get up at 3 o'clock in the morning."
The big squeeze
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
