Drinks jokes (631 to 645)Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 631 to 645. |
Connecticut Crazy Law
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.
The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)
It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.
No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.
Devon
It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
Guilford
Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.
Hartford
You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
You may not educate dogs.
It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
New Britain
It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
Southington
Silly string is banned.
Waterbury
It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.
These are actual analogies and
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
1. The roundest knight at King
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the n*dist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
Re-run
One fine afternoon at a golf course, two men were just finishing up the front nine when they decided to take a breather in the clubhouse. They went up to the lounge room and sat down and ordered a glass of beer. They started flipping thru the channels when they decided to watch the news. The first thing that was on was a woman about to comit suicide.
The first man says, "I bet you 100 dollars that she is gonna jump."
The second man, says, "OK, but I raise your 100 to 200 dollars saying she is not going to jump."
About four seconds after they were done making the bet, she leapt off the building, falling 17 stories, she hit the ground with a bone crunching sound.
As the loser of the bet started to get his wallet out of his back pocket the other man butted in to stop him.
"Listen, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier today and I knew she was gonna jump."
"So did I," the man said, I just didn't think she was dumb enough to do it again."
A man and a woman are having s
A man and a woman are having some drinks and they get into a discussion about who enjoys sex more. The man says, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?""That does not prove anything," says the woman. "Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"
Grass Sandwich
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
An American, traveling on a tr...
An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer. While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them.
After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful.
The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes, then arose... and threw the lawyer out the window.
Judi walks into the library, l
Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter.Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."
The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."
Judi nods. Then she whispers, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke...."
Dentist picks up
A guy and a girl met at a bar.
They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
So the girl looks at him and says, 'You must be a dentist!'.
The guy all surprised says, 'Yes, how did you figure that out ?'.
The girl says, 'Easy, you keep washing your hands'.
One thing led to another.
They make love.
After they were done, the girl says, 'You must be a GREAT dentist!'.
The guy was very very surprised, he says, 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out??'
The girl says, 'Easy, I didn't feel a thing!'
The Irishman's Olives
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
You Might Be A Redneck If 37
You might be a redneck if...
The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."
You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
Doctor Doctor Collection 03
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don't stir!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!
A couple of tourists were dini
A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered."What year?" asked the waiter.
"Right now!" bellowed the tourist.
