Drinks jokes (646 to 660)Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 646 to 660. |
Knock Knock Collection 025
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beryl!
Beryl who?
Beryl of beer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bette-lou!
Bette-lou who?
Betty-lou a few pounds!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Betty!
Betty who?
Betty ya don't know who this is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Betty!
Betty who?
Betty-bye!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bibi!
Bibi who?
Bibi gun!
Reptile Jokes 03
What do toads drink?
Croaka-cola!
When is a car like a frog?
When it's becing toad!
Why do frogs have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
What happened when a frog joined the cricket team?
He bowled long hops!
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft!
What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Finding half an apple!
What do frogs drink?
Hot croako!
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts!
What kind of shoes to frogs like?
Open toad sandals!
A teacher told her young class...
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
Blonde quickies 6
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?
Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She say 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
The young clerk's responsibil
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
Sally was driving home from on
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
An attorney arrived home late,
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stayof execution.His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he wasfeeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on himabout, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?Dinneris cold and I'm not reheating it."
And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiarritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hotsoak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as hedragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was toldthat her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay ofexecution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to goupstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of herhusband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and yelled, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVERSTOP?!"
Only in America
Only in AmericaOnly in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Little voices
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.
He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender. "It's the peanuts -- they're complimentary."
A beautiful woman was seated i
A beautiful woman was seated in a fine restaurant. A man, sitting several tables away, was struck by her beauty and requested a waiter to deliver a bottle of the establishment's finest Merlot to her. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man, and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants," After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own to return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return the note to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. I also have over twenty-million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
Work virus
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.
Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.
REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!
April Fool’s Day Pranks
1. Take something from someone’s office and leave them a ransom note. 2. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook calendar.
3. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
4. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
5. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
6. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.
