Drinks jokes (721 to 735)Jokes about drinks. These are the jokes listed 721 to 735. |
Things You Should Never Say To A Police Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No doughnut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V show Cops?
Couple of stiff ones
A cop sees a car weaving so he pulls it over. He walks up and sees it's a blonde behind the wheel.
When he bends down, he smells booze on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a Breathalyzer test to see if you're under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon, then he walks it back to the police car.
He comes back to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She says, "You mean it shows that, too?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
The Preacher and the Peanuts
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
What causes it?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Two deaf men were talking on t
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being outlate the night before.The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when Igot home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get intotrouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife waswide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing atme and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
The Healer
A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey.
He looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus.
The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also.
The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said "Barkeep, give me a cold beer.
Hey, is that Jesus down there?"
The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door.
Jesus touched the republican and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"
The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip.
As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"
In what aisle could I find the Polish...
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" a guy asks.The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Don King
A Huge 300lb. woman walks in to a tatoo shop and asks the artist, "Sir could you do a tatoo of Iron Mike Tyson on this leg?" "And another of Mohammad Ali on this leg?"
"Sure I think I can do that just come on back and have a seat." A couple hours later the man gets finished up and shows the woman the final product.
The woman takes a look at the tatoo for a while and says, "well sir we have a problem, this dosen't look like Iron Mike Tyson and this sure as hell dosen't look like Mohammad Ali."
The man sits and thinks for a second and says to himself, "man I sure as hell don't want to get into a fight with this 300lb. woman"...he sits for a little longer and comes up with a solution. He tells the woman "ok here's the deal, you go out side and the first person you see I want you to ask them if that tatoo looks like Tyson and if that one looks like Ali."
So the woman agrees and walks outside to this drunk man walking down the street, she approaces the man pulls up her skirt and asks him, "Sir does this look anything like Iron Mike Tyson to you?"
Takes a drink of his wine and says (in a drunk voice) "naw sure don't."
Woman: Well ok now, "does this look anything like Mohammad Ali to you?"
Taking another sip he says nope that sure don't but you see that one in the middle that looks just like Don King..
Evaluation Comments
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
