Drinks jokes (91 to 105)

While out on the town, the win

While out on the town, the wine lover had diarrhea and had to chardonnay cab.

Dromedary 

Dromedary – camel that gets annoyed when you milk it.

Sitting down with founders

Sitting down with founders Patrick Tanzola and Rhain Louis of Pungents.com (Canada’s top pun website), we weren’t sure what to expect on that brightly punny day outside U of T’s Hart House. Nursing our coffees, we were suddenly caught off-guard when a massive hawk swept down beside us, grabbed a small mouse from the garden, and flew off – nearly causing us to hawk-up our lunch.

A Doctors Lecture

A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

I finally drank some unusual a

I finally drank some unusual alcohol. I lost my weird ginnity.

What Deep Thinkers Men Are

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

If you can drink away your hur

If you can drink away your hurts, it must have been champagne.

The Vase

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

A man goes to the doctor after

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well.
"Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.
After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.
The husband is wide awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed.
He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

What's for supper?

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Coffee Tastes Like Mud

Customer: "Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud."
Waiter: "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

A large, powerfully-built guy

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Great Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

Water and Whiskey

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."