Father jokes (541 to 555)Jokes about fathers. These are the jokes listed 541 to 555. |
Half sisters
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said: "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside and said: "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."
Joe was furious. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head and said: "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
A Jewish Confession
An 80 year-old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:"Father, I am an 80 year-old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year-old girls. We partied and made love all night long."
The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"
The old man said, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"
The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"
Marine and Catholic Confessional
A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville .He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter."
The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
Father Murphy walked into a pu
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
An old man walked into the con
An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said tothe priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18year old girls. Both of them. Twice."The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were inconfession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Hey, I'm telling everybody."
Actual Medical Charts
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
One evening a man was at home
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "According to the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"
The old man and the priest...
An old man from way out in the boondocks made it to new York and got on the subway. He sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked the man, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The young man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father, but I wear my collar frontways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."
The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have six sons, five daughters and many grandchildren. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently,
"Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
The old man, taken aback, sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway car, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
Confession
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you... for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No, father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No, father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?"
Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman
After picking her son up from
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."A nun is standing outside a pub
A nun is standing outside a pub and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:
"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"
The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, in heaven."
"Well," says the nun, "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!"
"What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?" The nun says she has not. "Then how can you talk to me about alcohol? I'll tell you what I'll do," he continues, "I'll buy you a drink, and after you've drunk it, then you can talk to me about alcohol. What'll you have?"
"I don't know," says the nun. "What do ladies usually drink?"
"Gin," he replies.
"Oh, alright," she says. "But - but can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices." The man nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender.
"Bartender! I'll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!"
"It's that bloody nun outside again, isn't it?"
I promise you cannot read thes...
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh outloud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi schooldistrict. (Spellings have been left intact.)My son is under a doctor's care and should not takeP.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick andI had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absenton Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She isadministrating
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth takenout of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he playingfootball. He hurt in the growing part.
Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because shehas been bothered by very close veins.
Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no raincot and it was missing rain.
Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncledied. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me."
Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in hisside .
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has veryloose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. Hehad(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words werecrossed out in the ( )'s}
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. Hehad diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed hisbust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father'sfault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmasshopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found itMonday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We haveto attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she wastired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had acold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. Shewas in bed with gramps.
Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having agangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under thedoctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had afever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and achedall over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must besomething going around, her father even got hot last night.
Home for the Holidays
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
Ron was almost 29 years old. M
Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?"
Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.
"So Ron. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"
Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like my Mum. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"
