Father jokes (676 to 690)

Panicked father...

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

Mixed-Up Terms

A father was concerned that his daughter hadn't revealed her

heart condition to his future son-in-law. The first chance he

had for a private chat, he asked his son-in-law to be,

"Michael, are you aware of my daughter's acute angina?"

"Sure," Mike responded, "and her breasts ain't bad either!"

A busy MBA student

Nervous expectant fathers

50-50 partners...

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Mommy Mommy 05

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

---

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.

---

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

---

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

---

Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.

Mommy Mommy 09

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!

---

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

---

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.

---

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!

---

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Generation gap?

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Good on ya mate

A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in New Zealand and he tells her: "Nelson".

"So am I... What suburb in Nelson?"

"Wakatu" he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Leach Place" he replies.

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 7" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 9! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS KIWI THINKS KIWI!

Good on ya mate

Proud daddy...

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

A few days later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

Lost X Files Christmas episode

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone or some thing.

Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake.

Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...

An Antartian boy and his fathe...

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

The Blonde Nun

One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God

appreared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is

full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and

prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to

you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you

anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of

Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material

since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said

the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blonds

everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to

stop."

"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken

from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is

something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth

your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Really funny jokes-Confused father

The proud papa...

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"