Father jokes (826 to 840)Jokes about fathers. These are the jokes listed 826 to 840. |
Baptism....
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
A little boy asked the parish priest a question. Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust.” Parish…
A little boy asked the parish priest a question.
Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust.”
Parish priest, “That's right I did say that”.
Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”
Parish Priest: “That's right, I did say that. I am glad you were listening so very well”.
Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going”!
Source: CleanJokes4U
Really funny jokes-Do you want a box?
One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "Yes." The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box?"
Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose.
After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was the father of a 4 year old.
Why You So Fat?
A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son. "Tony! Why are you so fat?"
"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.
"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."
"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."
Pop says.
Then Pop looks at his middle son.
"Fred! Why are you so fat?"
"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.
"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."
"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."
Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"
"It's easy, Pop," John says.
"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."
"Pussy? Pussy?"
Pop says.
"That tastes like shit!"
"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."
Do the dishes
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.
By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'
Wine Taster
Contributed by C. B. Hinson
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
Al was a retired telephone man, a drunk and with a ragged dirty look when he came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. The old 'troller' tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a North slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, South-Western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
He calmly said, "It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive."
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The old 'troller' tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Forgive Me Father
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
First Impressions
On my way up the sidewalk to a girl's house, I was taking out for the first time, I felt my stomach cramping.I knew that it was imminent that I would have to take a dump very soon. I rang the doorbell, said hello, went through the introductions with her parents and so-forth. I resisted as long as I could, but knew I had to go before leaving with their daughter on the date.
I asked to use the restroom, and was directed down the hall. I went in and took a dump. No problem right? Well, when I flushed – you guessed it – the toilet began overflowing faster than I could find a solution.
With water and lots of crap flowing out of the toilet, all over the bathroom floor, and heading towards the door, I ran from the bathroom. I sped to the living room where Dad, Mom, and my date were waiting.
I was in obvious panic yelling “the toilet's overflowing, what do I do?” At that point the father rushed to the bathroom, with Mom, date, and me following. Her Dad ran into the bathroom, and slipped of his feet onto the floor covered with water and quite a bit of my crap.
When he got up, he had a log stuck to his back. Believe it or not, I still took their daughter out that night (without sticking around to help clean) and we ended up dating for six years.
So what are your plans?
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Motherly Lessons
My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.”My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don't talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS… “You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING… “You are going to get it when we get home.”
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE… “One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like.”
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE… “If you're going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me RELIGION… “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL… “If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC… “Because I said so, that's why.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT… “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.
My mother taught me IRONY… “Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS… “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM… “Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA… “You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER… “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY… “If I've told you once, I've told you a million times – Don't Exaggerate!!!”
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE… “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION… “Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY… “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!”
Really funny jokes-Pure polar bear
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is
all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f****** freezing!"
Knock Knock Collection 189
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walt!
Walt who?
Walt till your father gets home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walter!
Walter who?
Walter-wall carpeting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wannetta!
Wannetta who?
Wannetta time please!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Warner!
Warner who?
Warner you coming out to play!
Finance jokes-Bank in trouble
'Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice,' she splutters.
'I did?' responds her father, 'What did I tell you?'
Well, you told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in serious trouble,' explains Robyn sniffing.
'What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the whole country,' he remarks, 'there must be some mistake.....'
'I don't think so,' Robyn interrupts, 'They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying, "Insufficient Funds".'
Young patient
My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15 year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up.
After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and said, “Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses.”
The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion. “Tell him,” he replied, “they're absolutely gorgeous!”
Source: Good Clean Fun
One sunny day, Todd greeted hi...
One sunny day, Todd greeted his parents with excitement, asking them to sit down in the living room for his announcement."I have great news! I'm getting married to the most beautiful woman in town. She only lives a block away from you. Her name is Susan."
His parents congratulated him, but after dinner, his father pulled him aside. "Son, I'm sorry, but I have to tell you something. I love your mother dearly after 30 years of marriage, but we've never had much excitement in our intimate life. I used to fool around a lot, and Susan is actually your half-sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Todd was devastated and angry with his father, and he broke off the engagement. A year later, he was finally dating again, and one day he came home to tell them, "Lori said yes! We want to get married this July."
His father pulled him aside once more. "I'm sorry son, but she's your half-sister, too."
Todd was furious with his father. Once would have been bad enough, but twice was more than he could take. He decided to tell his mother what had been going on.
Bracing for her reaction, he said, "I guess I'll never get married. Every time I'm ready to marry, he tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother patted his cheek. "Don't pay a bit of attention to what he says," she told him. "He's not really your father."
