Father jokes (976 to 990)

A Letter Addressed to God

A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."

One night Little Johnny goes t...

One night Little Johnny goes to the bathroom. As he is walking down the hall he looks into his parents bedroom and sees the blankets going up and down. He says "Daddy, What are you doing?"

Daddy replies, "Playing cards".

Johnny says, "Who's your partner?"

Daddy says, "Mommy".

So little Johnny goes on to the bathroom. On the way back to his room he looks into his sisters room and sees the blankets going up and down. He says to his sister, "Sis, what are you doing?"

She says, "Playing cards".

He says, "Who is your partner?"

She says "My boy friend".

So Little Johnny goes back to bed. Well his father is thinking about Little Johnny and him being up in the middle of the night, so he goes to check on him. When he enters Little Johnny's room he sees the blankets going up and down.

Dad asks Little Johnny, "What are you doing?"

Little Johnny says, "Playing cards".

Dad says "Who's your partner"?

Little Johnny says to his dad "You don't need a partner if you got a good hand"!

The Investment Advisor

An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Apples And Cookies A

There's a little boy named Timmy. One night, his mother told him to take a bath. Timmy said,"No! I don't wanna!" But his mother says,"Yes, you have to."

So Timmy says,"Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?"

The mother says,"Well, O.K., but whatever you do, don't look up or down."

Timmy says,"O.K., I won't."

So when Timmy and his mom are in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says,"What's that Mommy?"

She says,"Well Timmy, that's my apple."

Timmy says,"Ohhhhh, O.K."

Then Timmy looks up and says,"What's that Mommy?"

She replies,"Well Timmy, those are my cookies."

Timmy says,"Ohhhhh, O.K."

Then after their bath, they go to there bedrooms and go to sleep. The next night, Timmy is told to take a bath again, but this time by his father. His father tells him,"Time to take a bath Timmy."

Timmy says,"No, I don't want to."

His father says,"Well you have to."

Timmy says,"Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?"

His father says,"Well O.K., but don't look down!" Timmy says,"O.K., I won't."

Then while they're in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says,"What's that Daddy?"

His father says,"Well Timmy, that's my worm."

Timmy says,"Ohhhhh, O.K."

Later that night, a storm hits and Timmy runs into his parents bedroom, flips on the light, and says,"Mommy! Mommy! Daddy's eating your cookies and has his worm in your apple!"

50-50 partners...

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

A little boy comes down to bre...

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Spendthrifts

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem.
The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?”
"Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better.”
Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?”

The Elderly Italian

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Bless Me Father

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

The teacher asked little Johnn...

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack."

Generation gap?

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

A father watched his five-year...

A father watched his five-year-old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

They're mating," her father replied. That's a Daddy
Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her
foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, daddy, that might be accepted in California and Massachusetts but we're not having any of that shit in Wisconsin!!

Can We Have a Hanukkah Tree?

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"
"What? No, of course not." says his father.
"Why not?" asks the child again.
Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."

Scary Collection 15

A werewolf joke
Why did the parents call their child "Camera"?
Because they were always snapping!

A skeleton joke
Why do skeletons hate winter?
Because the wind just goes straight through them!

A vampire joke
What do vampires play poker for?
High stakes!

A Halloween joke
Another boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet on his head.
"Are you an unmade bed?
" asked his friends
"No, I'm an undercover agent!
"
A ghost joke
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest!

A demon joke
What is the demons' favourite TV sitcom?
Fiends!

A cannibal joke
What was the cannibal called who ate his father's sister?
An aunt-eater!

Priest and a Drunk

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."