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Father jokes (1006 to 1020)

Jokes about fathers. These are the jokes listed 1006 to 1020.

Tom Papa: You Know Smoking Is Bad for You

They smoke for 60-70 years, then they show up, I had no idea it was bad for me! Come on. Youre breathing in fire. What did you think you were doing, training for the circus? Even if they didnt put a label on the pack, you would know its bad for you, wouldnt you? They dont need to put a warning label on a hammer for me to know if I smack myself in the face, its gonna hurt.
#joke #father #papa
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.45/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (11)

His father sends a small boy t...

His father sends a small boy to bed. Five
minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your
chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
#joke #father
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.78/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (9)

20 Years ago #jokes #humor

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbingfrom the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, when you were 16? ...And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."
#joke #food #honey #father
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

The Candle

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
Aren't ye Mrs.. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer f**kin' candle.'
#joke #father
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer

I dont just write jokes. You know what Im best at? Greeting cards. Im a really good greeting card writer. And Im going to prove it with a little sample of my work Im going to share for you: As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. Ive been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Fathers Day
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (45)

Sunday school....

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "thou shall not kill."

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

Question and answer Clinton jokes

Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?

A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?

A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?

A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?

A: He won't pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?

A: His face.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?

A: Gennifer.

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?

A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?

A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?

A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?

A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?

A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?

A: By the wise look in the eyes.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?

A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None--He'll only promise "change."

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they can't afford any more pork.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: They've been having turkey for years.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?

A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?

A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?

A: No fee--If No Recovery!

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?

A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?

A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?

A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?

A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?

A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?

A: He's got his jogging suit on.

Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?

A: The Dodgers.

Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?

A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?

A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?

A: For spare parts.

Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?

A: Now it's got two left wings.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?

A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?

A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?

A: Who cares!

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?

A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?

A: The United States of America!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?

A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?

A: Heredity.

Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?

A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?

A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?

A: He turned into Hillary!

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?

A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?

A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?

A: None. The democrats do that.

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?

A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?

A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?

A: A noose.

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?

A: Handcuffs.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?

A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?

A: A police lineup.

Q: What's a conservative?

A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: What is a conservative?

A: A liberal who's been mugged.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?

A: Chelsea.

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?

A: They get elected.

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?

A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?

A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

A: To tax the chicken.

Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?

A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?

A: When he's sworn in.

Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?

A: Depends on how many were photographed.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

A: To meet the chick.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?

A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?

A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?

A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?

A: Bill Clinton of course!

Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?

A: A mandate to govern.

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?

A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?

A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"

Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?

A: He's afraid of the draft.

Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?

A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?

A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?

A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?

A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?

A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?

A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?

A: When Hillary leaves town.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?

A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?

A: Highway 55.

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?

A: He is stupid!

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?

A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?

A: His heart stops bleeding.

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?

A: T-A-T-E-R.

Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?

A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?

A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?

A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?

A: He's the stiff one.

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?

A: Grade six.

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?

A: Coffee.

Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?

A: Everything's $100.

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?

A: To study economics.

Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?

A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?

A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?

A: To promote off-shore drilling.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?

A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?

A: They all make a living by lying to people.

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?

A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?

A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?

A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

A: A competent liberal President.

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?

A: "Good morning, Bill."

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?

A: Unite the Republican Party.

Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?

A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?

A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?

A: When he married outside of his family.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?

A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?

A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?

A: Because he filed as head of the household.

Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?

A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?

A: Because they could spell it.

Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?

A: The whine cellar.

Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?

A: There is White-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?

A: There is writing on the White-out.

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?

A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?

A: When he shows character, he's acting.

Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?

A: Summer Solstice.

Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?

A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?

A: "Over Here"

Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?

A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?

A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.

Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?

A: Socialism is dead.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?

A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?

A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?

A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.

Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?

A: A water gate.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"

A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?

A: They both dominate Bills.

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?

A: The Conners own their own home.

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?

A: No one died in Watergate.

Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?

A: Oldielocks.

Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?

A: We have not ruled out military force.

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?

A: A free stamp.

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?

A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?

A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.

Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?

A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?

A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?

A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?

A: A man without a clue.

Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?

A: He visited Oxford.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?

A: No class and no principals.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?

A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?

A: They both have Bills that are losers.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?

A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?

A: John Elway.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?

A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?

A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?

A: They both became president without being elected.

Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?

A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?

A: An optimist.

Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?

A: Teddy Kennedy.

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?

A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?

A: He thought he was in a confessional.

Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?

A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?

A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get away from Bill Clinton.

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?

A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?

A: The White House.

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?

A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?

A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?

A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?

A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?

A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?

A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!

Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign

A: A snow job.

Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?

A: No Job.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?

A: Vice-president of the United States.

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?

A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?

A: Nothing . . . yet.

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?

A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.

Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?

A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.

#joke #blonde #policeman #lawyer #halloween #thanksgiving #animal #cat #turtle #cow #bull #chicken #gorilla #buffalo #elephant #fish #turkey #fruit #apple #food #potato #sandwich #butter #drinks #coffee #yogurt #beer #sport #golf #jogging #baseball #wedding #bride #mother #mom #father
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.64/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (11)

Golfing Toward Confession

A man went to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
"What is your sin, my son?” the priest asked.
"Well,” the man started, “I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible.”
"When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards.”
"Is that when you swore?”
"No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”
"Is that when you swore?”
"Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”
"Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”
"Did you swear then?”
"No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”
The priest signed, “You missed the putt, didn't you?”
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke #father
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (15)

Dead Father

**THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY**** One night, when I was a little girl, I had a terrible nightmare that a crow came to me and told me that my aunt was going to drop dead the next day. I ran to my parent’s room and told my dad what happened. He calmed me down and told me it was OK. The next day, my mother received a call that my aunt had just dropped dead. That night, I had another dream that the crow came to me and told me that my father was going to die!!! I sprinted down the hall to my parent’s room and told my dad what had happened. He once again calmed me down and said it was going to be ok. But the next morning when he left for work, he was so distraught. The whole day, he thought that every step he took was his last. He came home that night and sat with my mother at the dinner table and said, "I had the most horrible day today." My mother then relied, "You think YOU had a bad day??? I had the Milkman drop dead on the porch!!!!!"
#joke #food #dinner #mother #father
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (13)

Glory Be Unto the Father

Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."

#joke #father
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

Why Is This Night Different?

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.
"That's a great honor," George said. "Why would you turn it down?""Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."
"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."
"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"
"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... 'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you say that in Hebrew?"
"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."
At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.
Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."
The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

The Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
#joke #animal #monkey #mother #mom #father
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)

My girlfriend and I had been d...

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Tammy Pescatelli: At a Baseball Game With Grandpa

In the middle of the game, he jumps up. He starts screaming at the top his lungs, hes like, 80,000 people! 80,000 people! I go, Papa, whats wrong? He goes 80,000 -- and that bird had to sh*t on me.
#joke #short #animal #bird #sport #baseball #father #papa
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (4)

The twins....

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen,on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

#joke #animal #horse #father
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

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