Father jokes (1021 to 1035)

The high price of romance!

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.

Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.

A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:

"Dad, if you think your getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner's convention going past."

Billy and John were given a to...

Billy and John were given a toboggan for their birthday. After they had been out playing in the snow, Billy was in tears.
“Now, John,” said his father, “I told you to let Billy use the toboggan half the time.” “And I did,” said Billy; “I had it going down, and he had it going up.”

The Lost Hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat."

Life Savers

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arseholes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

School Collection 14

Father: I hear you skipped school to play football
Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!

Teacher: When was Rome built?
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!

What did the Sheriff of Nottingham say when Robin fired at him?
That was an arrow escape!

A history joke
What did the ghost of Queen Elizabeth say as it floated into the terrified woman's bedroom?
Don't worry, I'm just passing through!
Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!

After living in the remote wil...

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, Well I'll be damned! Here's a picture of my pappy.

He bought the picture, but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. So one day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed...

"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with?!"

Three Nickels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

A Sunday school teacher was di...

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."

A truck driver used to amuse h...

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father, I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him.

But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

The Wrong Side Of The Bed

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."
But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.
Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."
Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"

What is his occupation?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'' Of course, child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
''I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

The Amish and the Elevator

An Amish boy and his parents were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is that, father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
"Could it be a time machine?" asked the boy. “I heard about this movie picture show where people leave the earth in shiny vehicles.”
"Praise the Lord", said the father. "There sure are miraculous things in the city."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

Jesus in the Bathroom

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

Not long after his marriage, E...

Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch.

"Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior. "It seems I married a nun."

"A nun?" his father questioned.

"That's right," moaned Ernie junior. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"

Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"

Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"

"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."