Food jokes (1561 to 1575)

Honey, has anyone ever told you....

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

 Nerds Versus Jocks

An answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
But:
Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
Nerds win!

Blonde and eggs

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? Fertilized

The Gift

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it's his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.

Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.

Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.

Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.'

Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 'All that money and they didn't even iron it.'

More of the best Christmas cracker jokes

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws!

What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What carol is heard in the desert?

O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross Mouse Cards!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis!

What's the most popular Christmas wine?

'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?

Nice gnawing you!

Christmas for mailman

I'm a mailman.

At Christmas this year, Mrs. Jankowitz met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread.

After I ate, I thanked her and she said, "There's more."

She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined.

I told her I had no idea she felt this way.

She said, "I don't."

I ask, "What was all this about?"

She says, "I asked the husband what to give the mailman."

He said, "Screw the mailman, breakfast was my idea."

The Washington Post asked read

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
a.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
b.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
c.. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
d.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
e.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
f.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
g.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
h.. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
i.. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
j.. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
k.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
l.. Glibido: All talk and no action.
m.. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
n.. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
o.. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
p.. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

A candidate for Congress from

A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington.
"I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do."
Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"

 Party In The Kingdom

In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.
Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!"
The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!", he said and vanished.
All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.
The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.
One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.
The king looked about him. "Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?", he said.
"I will, sir!", said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.
The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!
Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.
"How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"
The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS."

1. If it is all the same to yo

1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Dodgers, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My step-mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my jobuntil there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

Parents explaining body parts

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers.

“Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 You Might Be A Redneck If 62

You might be a reneck if...
You've ever been stuck in your own driveway.
You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.
Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.
You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.
You can name all the characters from the "Dukes of Hazzard".
You recite lines from "The Dukes of Hazzard".
You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.
You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.
You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.
Your idea of a fancy dessert is "moon pie ala mode".

Three women: one engaged, one...

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

A trucker came into a truck st...

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "Iwant three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of runningboards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to thekitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered threeflat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. Whatdoes he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair ofheadlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slicescrisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and thenspooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

Some 'Senior' personal ads s

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in 'The Villages'' Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.Matching white shoes andbelt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type, let's get together,take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosserto share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.Isn't in running condition, but walks well.