Food jokes (1771 to 1785)

Payback

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"

"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents," replies the bartender.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by calamjo

Did you hear about the butcher

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

The Minister and the Taxi Driver

A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."
The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.
The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray."

Eggs

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."      

A few observations on life<

A few observations on life
1. Children. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
4. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
5. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
6. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
7. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
8. War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

American-Yiddish Dictionary

JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

 Ant And A Grasshopper

THE ORIGINAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN CANADIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green.
"Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.

Food

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Nah, still not hungry."
"Well," she said, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."         

The little camel went to his m

The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?"
She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."
"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?"
"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."
"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?"
"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?"
"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?"

 Give Chocolate Pudding

First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"
Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"
First soldier: "Whyever not?"
Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

Bertha Belch and Other Bloopers

Church Bulletin
"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Miss Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
Church Marquee
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
Under same management for thousands of years.
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications.

A man walked into a cafe...

A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has

more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke

at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still

have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"

bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired

people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their

restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after

saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a

ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled

Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your

house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up

and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something

from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your

card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart

because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting

your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend

hits the floor.

21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls

and they all say Cool Whip onthe side....

22. If the biggest city you've ever been to

is Wal-Mart...

23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your

non-working R.V...

24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...

25. If you've ever used your ironing board

as a buffet table...

26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride

out in front of the K-Mart...

27. If your neighbours think you're a detective

because a cop always brings you home...

28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and

does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...

29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a

back scratcher

30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's

it hangin?"

31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because

you had jury duty...

32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer

at 65 mph...

33. If somebody tells you that you've got something

in your teeth and you take them out to see what

it is...

34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange

juice because it said concentrate...

35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

36. If you don't understand why the first 35

are not funny.

Six Feet

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"    

It is with the saddest heart t

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon..
Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt'n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others.The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.