Food jokes (1786 to 1800)

How was I born?

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

What did the egg say after he

What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water? I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.

The loving wife...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

 Business One-liners 10

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.

A wife was making a breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.
"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.
"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.
A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."    

The boss of a major manufactur

The boss of a major manufacturing facility was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning, he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that read, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

A Rabbit walks into the bar, g

A Rabbit walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a cup of coffee.” The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the Rabbit leaves, but when he leaves he sees two friends entering the bar so he joins them. His friends ask for a beer and sandwich but the rabbit says "I wanna cup of coffee"
The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the rabbit leaves again, but he sees two more friends so he joins them in the bar. His friends order a beer and a sandwich but the Rabbit still says, "I want a cup of coffee"
"Look,” says the bartender "we don’t serve coffee here. Now leave or I will nail your ears to the bar!"
So the rabbit leaves, but he yet again sees two more friends and enters the bar.
But this time the rabbit says, "Do you have a hammer?"
"No" replies the bartender
Do you have any nails?"
"No"
"Then I want a cup of coffee"

Dangerous food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."

It was three o'clock in the m...

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

These two men were traveling t

These two men were traveling through Georgia when they came to a peach farm. A sign caught their eye that said "Designer Peaches-Any Flavor". Curiosity got the best of them, so they stopped to investigate. The farmer told them that he has a peach that matches any taste they desired.
The first man indignantly said, "How about peanut butter and jelly?" The farmer fished around in one of the barrels, selected a peach, and handed to the man.
The man took a bite and said, " This tastes just like grape jelly, but where's the peanut butter?"
The farmer said, "Flip it over".
The man complied and took a bite from the other side of the peach.
He said, "I can't believe it. It tastes just like peanut butter".
The second man wasn't convinced. He said, "How about a peach that tastes like pussy?"
The farmer when back through the barrel and presented a peach to the man.
The man took a bite and shouted, "This tastes like s***!"
The farmer said, "Flip it over".

A mother is in the kitchen mak

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."
The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

 Stupid People Stories

IDIOTS & RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Liver and cheese....

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They're speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Rejected Valentines

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk / But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow / Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store / In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right / I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class / Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished / But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass / Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie / I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny / So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister / You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!