Food jokes (1801 to 1815)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has

more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke

at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still

have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"

bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired

people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their

restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after

saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a

ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled

Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your

house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up

and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something

from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your

card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart

because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting

your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend

hits the floor.

21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls

and they all say Cool Whip onthe side....

22. If the biggest city you've ever been to

is Wal-Mart...

23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your

non-working R.V...

24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...

25. If you've ever used your ironing board

as a buffet table...

26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride

out in front of the K-Mart...

27. If your neighbours think you're a detective

because a cop always brings you home...

28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and

does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...

29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a

back scratcher

30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's

it hangin?"

31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because

you had jury duty...

32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer

at 65 mph...

33. If somebody tells you that you've got something

in your teeth and you take them out to see what

it is...

34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange

juice because it said concentrate...

35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

36. If you don't understand why the first 35

are not funny.

Six Feet

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"    

It is with the saddest heart t

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon..
Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt'n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others.The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

How was I born?

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

What did the egg say after he

What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water? I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.

The loving wife...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

 Business One-liners 10

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.

A wife was making a breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.
"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.
"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.
A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."    

The boss of a major manufactur

The boss of a major manufacturing facility was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning, he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that read, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

A Rabbit walks into the bar, g

A Rabbit walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a cup of coffee.” The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the Rabbit leaves, but when he leaves he sees two friends entering the bar so he joins them. His friends ask for a beer and sandwich but the rabbit says "I wanna cup of coffee"
The bartender says, "We don’t serve coffee here"
So the rabbit leaves again, but he sees two more friends so he joins them in the bar. His friends order a beer and a sandwich but the Rabbit still says, "I want a cup of coffee"
"Look,” says the bartender "we don’t serve coffee here. Now leave or I will nail your ears to the bar!"
So the rabbit leaves, but he yet again sees two more friends and enters the bar.
But this time the rabbit says, "Do you have a hammer?"
"No" replies the bartender
Do you have any nails?"
"No"
"Then I want a cup of coffee"

Dangerous food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."

It was three o'clock in the m...

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

These two men were traveling t

These two men were traveling through Georgia when they came to a peach farm. A sign caught their eye that said "Designer Peaches-Any Flavor". Curiosity got the best of them, so they stopped to investigate. The farmer told them that he has a peach that matches any taste they desired.
The first man indignantly said, "How about peanut butter and jelly?" The farmer fished around in one of the barrels, selected a peach, and handed to the man.
The man took a bite and said, " This tastes just like grape jelly, but where's the peanut butter?"
The farmer said, "Flip it over".
The man complied and took a bite from the other side of the peach.
He said, "I can't believe it. It tastes just like peanut butter".
The second man wasn't convinced. He said, "How about a peach that tastes like pussy?"
The farmer when back through the barrel and presented a peach to the man.
The man took a bite and shouted, "This tastes like s***!"
The farmer said, "Flip it over".

A mother is in the kitchen mak

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."
The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."