Food jokes (1816 to 1830)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 1816 to 1830. |
Better write it down
My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, "Hey Ma, I'm gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?"
"Yeah, Pa, but you'd better write it down or you'll forget", says Grandma.
Grandpa replies, "I won't forget." "Alright then", says Grandma, "I'd like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine.
You'd better write that down, Pa you're gonna forget it." Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn't forget.
Well he's in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin' plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma.
She just smiles back and says, "I told you that you'd better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!"...
Tom had this problem of gettin...
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
All the organs of the body wer...
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge."I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the @$$hole is usually in charge.
Why is it called a 'Picnic'?
Why is it called a 'Picnic'?Betty Sue wanted to eat outside on a hot summer day with her boyfriend. Problem: she had two boyfriends, Fred and Nick. Considering she knew she wouldn't have a very happy lunch if the two boys were arguing, she decided just to choose one boy to have the meal.
She Picked Nick.
The new priest gets drunk!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach
I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I’m far from being considered a model but, I’m me. I eat food. I have curves. I have more fat than I should. I have scars because I have a history. Some people love me, some like me, some hate me. I have done good. I have done bad. I love my Pj’s and I go without makeup and sometimes don’t get my hair done. I’m random and sometimes I say crazy things. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won’t change! And if I love you…I do it with all my Heart! I make no apologies for who I am. Creative Surgery
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one
of the man's
testicles. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to
replace the
it with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
"Pretty good, but I've had some strange side effects."
"Like what?" the doctor asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives
me a blow
job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog
stand, I get a hard-on."
Dad, What is sex?
An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.
But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Martini
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
