Food jokes (1921 to 1935)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 1921 to 1935. |
How to give a cat a pill.
How to give a cat a pill. 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Senior Tax Return
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied:
12 million illegal immigrants,
3 million crack heads,
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons,
Half of Mexico, and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Plus 1 useless President.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?
Short Father Christmas
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!
What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !
Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !
What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?
What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !
Tour Bus Driver
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
Old is when...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
You start saying things like, 'Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!'
Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!
Farm Jokes 04
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What is a pigs favorite ballet?
Swine Lake!
What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?
Pooched eggs!
How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday?
Eat him on Saturday!
Why did the foal cough?
Because he was a little horse!
What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo?
Cock-a-doodle-don't!
What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
Leave it inside the cow!
Where do milkshakes come from?
Excited cows!
A boy asks his father, "Dad, a
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."April Fool's Day - Serve a dessert grilled cheese
Serve a dessert grilled cheese. Your kids won’t be mad at you when they realize they get to eat poundcake and frosting.
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire....
A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.
The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"
A girl realized that she had g
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."Clinton one-liners
Clinton and Gore: They have what it takes to take what you've got!
"Carter is no longer the worst U.S. President"
"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated."
Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in 1996.
Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!
My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill.
It's the spending stupid!
If Clinton was the answer, it must have been a real stupid question!
Clinton in 1996--NOT!!
I'm not Fonda Clinton
Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.
Bill Clinton is living proof why stupid people shouldn't vote.
Voter: "The joke's over, bring back Bush."
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"
President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next season. It's called "Welcome Back Carter".
Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary's hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?
If the Clinton's divorce before 1996, who will get the house?
When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied "I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The money clip of the 90's will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.
Bill Clinton's 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!
Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a "yes man" when he is really a "yes ma'am."
The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too little of either.
Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."
Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?
The good news about Clinton's health care is that everyone will be covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt.
If character is not an issue, why isn't Ted Kennedy president?
Clinton floated a strike on baseball's opening day but most of his pitches are high and to the left.
If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building, Republicans in the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it down over three years.
Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care won't be?
No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is costing the taxpayers.
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke...but when Hillary tells a joke, it' the law.
Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst possible way...now he's succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.
Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development.
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string and it never tells the same story twice!
A George Bush watch has no hands and says "read my lips."
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.
One thing's sure about Clinton--he sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs.
Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: "Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]
Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.
A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't enough to make it look right.
"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never gets any worse"
Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is? "Socialism"
Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and invest" democrat.
On the Apirl 23, 1993 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that Clinton had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of promises to break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of all of Reagan's and Bush's promises so he can start working on breaking their promises too!
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say "Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.
From The Simpsons in April of 1993:
[Bart] Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!
Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House.
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president." -- George Bush
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country." -- MTV News
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job.
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in Entitlement Programs. One Target: Big Corporations"
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would't call us rich.
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected President.
Election night
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical care is a frill.
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Want to leave the other country absolutely devasted? Ruined? Unable to function for years?
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.
One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.
Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's draft dodging back?
Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind . . .
Whitewater Development
Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.
I don't trust President Clinton or her husband.
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
Bill Clinton virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred of evidence they have." -- Al Gore
President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." -- George Bush
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King," I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I'd like to call it "The Lion President."
