Food jokes (1936 to 1950)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 1936 to 1950. |
Assimilation
A young Talmud scholar who left Poland for America returns
several years later to visit his family. "But where is your
beard?" asks his mother. "Mama, in America nobody wears a
beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" "Mama, business
is business. In America, people work on the Sabbath." "But
kosher food you still eat?" "Mama, in America it's very
difficult to keep kosher." The old lady hesitates for a
moment and then, in a hoarse whisper, she says, "Shloime,
tell me one thing. Are you still circumcised?"
How to give a cat a pill.
How to give a cat a pill. 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Senior Tax Return
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied:
12 million illegal immigrants,
3 million crack heads,
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons,
Half of Mexico, and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Plus 1 useless President.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?
Short Father Christmas
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!
What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !
Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !
What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?
What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !
Tour Bus Driver
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
Old is when...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
You start saying things like, 'Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!'
Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!
Farm Jokes 04
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What is a pigs favorite ballet?
Swine Lake!
What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?
Pooched eggs!
How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday?
Eat him on Saturday!
Why did the foal cough?
Because he was a little horse!
What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo?
Cock-a-doodle-don't!
What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
Leave it inside the cow!
Where do milkshakes come from?
Excited cows!
A boy asks his father, "Dad, a
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."April Fool's Day - Serve a dessert grilled cheese
Serve a dessert grilled cheese. Your kids won’t be mad at you when they realize they get to eat poundcake and frosting.
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire....
A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.
The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"
