Food jokes (2326 to 2340)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2326 to 2340. |
Praise the Lord...
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"
The Feline Diet
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
>DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
>DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
>DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
>FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
Top 10 reasons
Top 10 reasons for being French:1. When speaking fast, you make yourself sound gay.
2. You own half the world's perfume industry and still never use deodorant.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs' legs.
4. If there's a war, you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read subtitles on late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous star.
8. You can allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street and humiliate your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
Top 10 reasons for being Italian:
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. You are unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 AD.
5. You can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. You live near the Pope.
9. You can spend hours braiding your girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Sicilian murderers run your country.
Top 10 reasons for being Spanish:
1. You have a glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes and Brits.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. The only sure way of bedding a woman is for you to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. You supported Argentina in the Falklands War.
Top 10 reasons for being Indian:
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Meat Bhuna.
10. Kingfisher Lager.
Top 10 reasons for being American:
1. You can have a woman President - without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be President.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe, you can get a gun.
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You can call everyone you've ever met `buddy'.
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth when you're not at all.
Top 10 reasons for being English:
1. Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union Jack underpants.
6. Water shortages are guaranteed every summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you're still a world power.
8. You can bathe once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto - changing underwear.
10. It beats being Welsh or Scottish.
Top 10 reasons for being Welsh:
1. You've got to be joking haven't you?
Top 10 reasons for being Irish:
1. Guinness.
2. You have 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Your pubs never close.
5. You can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. You kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at three in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
Top 10 reasons for being Australian:
1. You know your great-grandad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted. You get to live in what was Britain's largest 'open prison'.
2. Foster's Lager.
3. You dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. You get to annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Your tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Your liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. You get to drink cold lager on the beach.
10. You get to have a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
Top 10 reasons for being a Kiwi:
1. You get to shag chicks that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock.
2. Beer.
3. Rugby.
4.See above.
5. See above.
6. See above.
7. See above.
8. See above.
9. See above.
10. You get to hate everyone else... unless it's their round.
My Wife a Chicken
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
Getting Screwed Thousand Times
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
What would you like for your birthday....
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Buy Machine Factory
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
Three brothers wanted to give ...
Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.Life After Death
A couple made a deal that which ever died first, they wouldcome back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest
fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband
was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary... Mary....
Is that you Fred?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast,
I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have
lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon, supper, then sex
till late at night, sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Texas."
The Happy Hangover
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
