Food jokes (2431 to 2445)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2431 to 2445. |
Fish and Cat Story
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.
Adult jokes-That kinda guy
The owner answered, "There ain't no women for miles, but if you want it real bad, we have a Chinese cook."
"Hey, I'm not that kinda guy!" said Derek, and went away.
A week went by, and Derek was back to the owner's cabin. He said, "Lets suppose I opted for the Chinese cook, how many people would have to know about it?"
The owner replied "Hmm... there's me, there's you, him, that's six in all, we need three to hold him down - he's not that kinda guy either!!"
Way to keep healthy level of i...
Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
Longitude and latitude...
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading.
He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."
A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
Commercial Christmas
Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial
- You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"
- Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."
- Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.
- The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"
- Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.
- Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.
- WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!
- Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.
- Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.
- Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.
- Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy."
- $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas
- Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.
- The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)
- Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."
- Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.
Hick computer terms
Redneck computer termsBACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
Ollie and Lena jokes
When Lena reached home, Ollie asked: “What was the report? What did the doctor say?”
Lena: “Oh, nothing much. There is little chance of your survival.”
A farm boy accidentally overtu...
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later.""That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
His favorite chocolate chip cookies....
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Breaking The Silence
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him:
"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."
A man and his wife are sitting...
A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."My Darling Husband
Dear John,I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun. Lars--I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother. Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and IBM have a lovely time while we are gone.
Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love, Angela.
