Food jokes (2536 to 2550)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2536 to 2550. |
A woman walked up to a little ...
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
Questions to ponder....
If Con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
Where are the monkeys?
The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"
"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."
"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"
Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"
Prison vs. Work
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
The Sign
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Church Bulletin Bloopers
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins andService
bloopers:
* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side
entrance.
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing
like crazy!
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius
Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both
ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something
on the carpet should come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to
follow.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied
our pulpit.
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his
audience.
* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and
11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Lawyers Dog
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat."Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.
"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.
"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"
Lawyer quickies 3
Q: How do you kill 4000 lawyers?A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
Q: What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
