Food jokes (2791 to 2805)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2791 to 2805. |
Olive
A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."
Wrong clothes
One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.
As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”
Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.
The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren't you Mike Murphy?”
Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”
The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren't you a police officer?”
And again Mike replied yes.
The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”
TGIF
A businessman got into an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F'He smiled at her and replied,
'S-H-I-T'
She looked at him puzzled and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time.
The man smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F. Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'
The man answered, 'S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday.'
When Chuck Norris wants an egg...
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.Really funny jokes-The winning machine
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
"Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
"What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"
Yo mama is so old
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
How To Annoy Your Co-Workers...
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. 'That's a good point, Sparky.' 'No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.'
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it 'IN'.
13) Develope an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, 'Oh you've got to be faster than that.'
15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
A Little Extra In The Soup....
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!
He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"
Really funny jokes-Apples on trees
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
If Women ruled the world...
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a 'good catch' simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- 'Ms.' Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read 'Snow White and the Seven Hunks.'
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like:'I'm sorry,' 'I love you,' 'You're beautiful,' 'Of course you don't look fat in that outfit.'
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
Unlucky young man
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
I Guess It Works
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained,
"I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Really funny jokes-Pregnancy Dictionary
Afterbirth:
When the hard part begins.
Cravings:
An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.
Dilation:
One of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.
Elastiphobia:
Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."
First Trimester:
The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"
Maternity Clothes:
What a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.
Miracle:
1. The birth of a baby.
2. The fact that you lived to tell about it.
Obstetrician:
The doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.
Pregnant Pause:
The amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
Prenatal:
When your life was still your own.
Pushing:
The final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.
Second Trimester:
The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"
Third Trimester:
The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"
Sick Duck
A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
