Food jokes (2956 to 2970)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2956 to 2970. |
Internetaholics Anonymous
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.Yes, you–we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?
We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured,” you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or laptop?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line
A mother was preparing pancake...
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Where babies from?
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.Mother, where do babies come from?
Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Jewelry, dear.
Grandpa, Did God Make You?
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Really funny jokes-Old age stamina
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves.
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves.. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied , "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this crap but me!"
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
“Would you like to go out, girl?” he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, “Oh, yes, I'd love to!”
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Really funny jokes-Anything for wife?
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
Rare Birds
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”
Man: “Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened.”
Judge: “Proceed.”
Man: “I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”
Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?”
Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”
Sheng Wang: Eating a Pomegranate
I ate a pomegranate; that is a magical fruit. Its like juice corn. Its like God got stoned one day, and he was like, You know what, Im going to put some fruit juice inside these kernels. Lets do that. But Im not going to put it on the cob; Im going to shove it up this fat, dirty radish.During a dinner party, the hos...
During a dinner party, the host's two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, You see, it is vanishing cream!
The boss was concerned that hi...
The boss was concerned that his employees werent giving him enough respect, so he tried an old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said, Im the Boss and taped it to his door.After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. Your wife called. She wants her sign back!
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, P...
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.Known to friends as Brown-n-serve. Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Calling Technical Support
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our
technicians are currently busy helping people who are even
less competent than you, so please hold for the next
available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at
between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit
product identification number on to your telephone, followed
by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret
compartment inside your computer where, for security
purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to
prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11
3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your
original equipment manufacturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend
that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at
some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM
disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in
order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely
event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful
customer -- and threw away your original packing materials,
please call the company that sent you the computer and ask
them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles,
fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they
recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while
you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing
while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting
obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected
and blackballed from further communication with Technical
Support, not only from ours but that of every other
electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we
all talk you know)...
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order
to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to
know more about you and your equipment. Have you called
Technical Support before? If you have, please press the
numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using
the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am
confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make
arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the
technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will
be too senile to use it anyway. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all
of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that
to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may
now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to
the technician about your problem and risking the possibility
that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask
yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is
dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before
utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3.
Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I
consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on
the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek
cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing
for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central
processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,
please get off the line immediately so that our overworked
technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose
suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really
be so bored that you have to call technical support just to
have someone to speak to about geek stuff. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be
aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number
of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as
the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access
erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you
would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes!
Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to
lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may
jump you ahead of several other callers. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been
overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in
line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected
again to technical Support
1
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic
sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die
from a massive frustration attack combined with severe
dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so,
please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in
its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down
its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of
Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from
our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve
your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or
beneficiaries contact us should any further technical
problems arise.
Dumb Instructions
“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.
“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.
“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.
“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.
“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.
“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.
“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.
