Food jokes (301 to 315)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 301 to 315. |
24 Hours Left
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
Eating Pizza
While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said, "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Two guys sat down for lunch in
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria."Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years in prison."
Once a woman invited some peop
Once a woman invited some people to dinner.At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Jill, Ruth, and Edith were sit
Jill, Ruth, and Edith were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.Jill recalled shopping at the grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for 25 pence.
Ruth nodded, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a 20 pence a piece.
Then Edith chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Tom had this problem of gettin
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Delia's Way
Delia's Way
Delia's Way: Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: It could keep forever... who eats it?
Delia's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for headaches - Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka... you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course.
Delia's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: Why do I have a man?
Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine???
Delia's Way: Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'
Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: It could keep forever... who eats it?
Delia's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for headaches - Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka... you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn! Why waste it? Rub the lime on your forehead afterwards, it may soak straight in? Unless you have another 8oz of that vodka left, of course.
Delia's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way: Why do I have a man?
Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine???
