Food jokes (3046 to 3060)

A man and an ostrich walk into...

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied "a burger and a coke."
"And you?"
"I'll have the same," the ostrich replies.

They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50."
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount.
They do this every day till Friday.

"The usual?" she asked.
"No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich.
They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95."
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.

The waitress was dumb-founded.
"How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man.
"I was cleaning my attic, and I found a dusty lamp.
I rubbed it, and a genie appeared.

"Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket."

"Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. ]
But what's with the ostrich?"

"Well," said the man.
"I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Short Snow Jokes

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

What's an ig?

An eskimo's home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?

Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around ?

By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?

A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?

You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?

Frost bite !

How do you call an Eskimo cow ?

An Eskimoo !

Surrounded by idiots ....

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'

Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'

Idiot Sighting #3:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'

'I know,' answered the young man. 'I already got that side.'

A man and an ostrich walk into...

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while ...

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:


Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

A broom wedding...

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after they got to know each other a bit, decided to get married.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely and attended by all the push brooms and dust mops.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and whispered to the groom broom, "We're soon going to have a little whisk broom!"

"Impossible!" said the groom broom, indignantly. "We haven't even swept together yet!!!"

Things to do @ Wal-Mart w...

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
2. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
3. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
4. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
5. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
6. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
7. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
8. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Pearls of wisdom...

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever! So far, so good!

Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually, you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes, age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing!!

Thank You for This Food

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Butcher Shop

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”

“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!”

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, “I see you're buying a dozen eggs!”

One afternoon a man came home ...

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

Silly Collection 07

Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!

What is "out of bounds"?
An exhausted kangaroo!

Have you ever seen a duchess?
Yes - it's the same as an English "s"!

What followed the dinosaur?
It's tail!

Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his fridge?
They say it blew his cool!

Would you like a duck egg for tea?
Only if you quack it for me!

I've got a wonder watch. It only cost fifty cents.
Why is it a wonder watch?
Because every time I look at it I wonder if it is still working!

Macarena with cheese

What do you call a spanish woman with a yeast infection?

A macarena with cheese.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

A lawyer's dog, running a...

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."

A guy wakes up one morning wit...

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover

Going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, so tell me what I did."

"You got in an argument with your boss."

"Well, piss on him!" said the man.

"You did. He fired you." said the wife.

"Well, screw him!" said the guy.

"I did." said the wife. "You're back to work Monday."