Food jokes (3061 to 3075)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 3061 to 3075. |
Silly Collection 07
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!
What is "out of bounds"?
An exhausted kangaroo!
Have you ever seen a duchess?
Yes - it's the same as an English "s"!
What followed the dinosaur?
It's tail!
Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in his fridge?
They say it blew his cool!
Would you like a duck egg for tea?
Only if you quack it for me!
I've got a wonder watch. It only cost fifty cents.
Why is it a wonder watch?
Because every time I look at it I wonder if it is still working!
A lawyer's dog, running a...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?""Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."
A guy wakes up one morning wit...
A guy wakes up one morning with a hangoverGoing downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, so tell me what I did."
"You got in an argument with your boss."
"Well, piss on him!" said the man.
"You did. He fired you." said the wife.
"Well, screw him!" said the guy.
"I did." said the wife. "You're back to work Monday."
Greg Behrendt: I Love to Eat
I love to eat. Thats why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I dont walk away from a meal hurting, I didnt do it right. If I dont walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like Ive been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didnt do it right.Degrees....
The graduate with a science degree asks,'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
Signs And Notices 13
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Sign from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
A man shows up for his doctor'...
A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied," Perhaps you're not eating right."A man shows up for his doctor'...
A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils.He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
Whereupon the doctor replied, "Perhaps you're not eating right."
A grizzled old man was eating ...
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in.The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk, and then he too took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children."You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Jack & Leroy
Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn't have that "spark" anymore, and sex was practically non existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, "Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it's romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick."Leroy said "Romance, that romance shit don't work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can't be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots."
Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said " OK, bro, I'll give it try. What should I do?"
Jack said, "You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them."
Leroy says "Give me an example."
Jack thinks a moment and says, "Well, here's one that worked really well for me: "Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let's make sweet love."
Leroy says "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."
The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy's head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says "What happened to you?"
Leroy replies "I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that's what happened!" "What did you do? "Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry."
"And it didn't work?"
"Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."
Jack says "I just don't understand...Let's hear your poem."
Leroy replies: "Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog."
The Golden Toilet
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!''So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.
A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''
Apple pie....
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.
Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
