Food jokes (3166 to 3180)

Location...Location...Location

Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.

"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant yesterday, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one."

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the window."

Odd signs...

These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.

Buy a winnebagoron...

A panda bear walks into a bar ...

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray...

Were You Drinking?

Funny American jokes-Things You Learn in Texas

An employee comes into her man...

Bad At An Office Party

1. Don't go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he's fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
   
2. Don't put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
   
3. Don't offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
   
4. Don't call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
   
5. Don't chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
   
6. Don't tell your boss that you're the one that runs the company.
   

Memory lane

I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: “FENDER SKIRTS”.

A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about “fender skirts” started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like “curb feelers” and “steering knobs.”

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember “Continental kits?” They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them “emergency brakes?” At some point “parking brake” became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with “emergency brake.”

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you could ride the “running board” up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore – “store-bought.” Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

“Coast to coast” is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term “world wide” for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, “wall-to-wall” was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day – “rat fink.” Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss – “percolator.” That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? “Coffee maker.” How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like “DynaFlow” and “Electrolux.” Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with “SpectraVision!”

Food for thought – Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most “supper.” Now everybody says “dinner.” Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a “certain age” would remember most of these. So, just for fun, Pass it along to others of “a certain age.”

Really funny jokes-I am rich

Vegas high roller

Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"

The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"

"What, that’s outrageous.

"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good.

"All right, screw it, money is no object."

A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?

"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00."

"What, that’s outrageous."

"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good.

"All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she’s done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I’ve gotta know, How much for some pussy?"

The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."

Shopping list

I was ill and my husband volunteered to go to the supermarket for me. I sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

He returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two cartons of eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Mommy Mommy 01

Skim milk

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods; including skim milk. When she said her family would only drink whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked, one morning, whether the milk was okay.

“Sure, it's fine,” my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. “Why do you ask?”

“Because according to the bottle,” the daughter explained, “this milk expired a year ago.”