Food jokes (3481 to 3495)

Ashamed of my weight, I eat pi...

Ashamed of my weight, I eat pies in secret. It's a flandestine activity.

Bumper Stickers

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
*Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
*IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
*Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
*Hang up and drive.
*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
*Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
*Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
*Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
*Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
*If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.
*I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
*Never take life seriously.
*Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
*Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
*I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
*You have the right to remain silent.
*Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
*You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
*The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
*Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
*If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
*The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
*Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
*Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
*CATS: The other white meat
*I'm an imbecile and I vote
*Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
*If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
*Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
*WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
*You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
*Grow your own dope, plant a man

Marketing Translations

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

All About Adam

Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself."
"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."
Eve said, "A man! What's that?"
"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."
"Sounds great!" said Eve.
"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."

Q: What do you call a man who ...

Q: What do you call a man who supports a woman's career, helps prepare dinner, bathes the children and earns a Six-figure income?

A: Darling

An Act of Charity

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."
"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn't suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?

Jamie Kennedy: New York Pizza

Im like, Hey, Phil, this is pretty good pizza. Hes like, Pft. Its not like a piece of New York pizza. You wanna call that piece of cracker with some cheese and some tomato juice on it a piece of pizza, go head. In New York, we got pieces of pizza a foot wide, five inches thick, whole tomatoes on top, cheese so thick it gives you a heart attack right in your heart -- and you enjoy having that heart attack because its from New York.

Words for the Wise

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most n*dists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

Janeane Garofalo: Born in 1989

Do you know that there are people that were born in 1989? Thats real. Thats true. I have met them. I actually met somebody born in 1991. How is that technically possible? That means that I was already a blackout drunk with an eating disorder, and you were just joining us.

Most Men and Real Men

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.

Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.

Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.

Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men..really know how to make you relax.

Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.

Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.

Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.

Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.

Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men..balance their checkbooks.

Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.

Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.

Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men..start their own businesses.

Most Men..quit their jobs.

Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.

Most Men..bring their own beer.

$20 to clean suit

Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.

"Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?"

"All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!"

"No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.

His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?" The man slurs back,

"He shit in my pants, too."

A girl came skipping home from...

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See?
A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."

He who laughs last thinks slow...

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

God created the donkey & said ...

God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

God v. The Devil - Genesis Revised?

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.

And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was

upon the face of

the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He

created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were

lean and fit.

And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower

and spinach

And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and

Woman would live

long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double

cheeseburger.

And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them."

And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might

keep her figure.

But the Devil brought forth chocolate.

And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.

And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?

I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with

which to cook

them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it

needed its own

platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went

through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes.

And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So

Man would not

have to toil to change channels

between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally

low in fat and

brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the

starchy center

into chips and deep-fat fried them.

And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips

swaddled in

cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken.

And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his

body, While feeling

righteous because he had to drink

twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.

And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate,

And upon

returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the

land of the

divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."