Food jokes (3661 to 3675)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 3661 to 3675. |
Prisoner
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?""OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, it's not life imprisonment!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
How to tell a person is lying ...
How to tell a person is lying when they say they're Jewish..."So where on this menu is the bacon?"
"I thought they said not to wear hats in the synagogue"
They're reading and pronounce the word synagogue like it's spelled...and they're 30!
They keep pointing out how much they love that Star of Christ.
They name their child (or they are named) Christian
Don't know what a bar-mitzvah is...
Farm Jokes 05
What is a cow's favorite TV show?
Dr Moo!
Why was the farmer hopping mad?
Because someone had trodden on his corn!
What would happen if bulls could fly?
You would have to carry an umbrella all the time and beef would go up!
What do you get if a sheep walks under a cloud?
A sheep that's under the weather!
Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being amoosed!
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?
A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig?
A groundhog!
How do you take a pig to hospital?
By hambulance!
What do you call a joke book for chickens?
A yolk book!
My girlfriend is out in the car #joke #humor
After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."
"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while ...
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.
Princess & a frog
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of anunpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me."
"One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fu#ken think so!"
Who can say this sentence? #joke #humor
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
Daniel Tosh: Not Music Television
The worst television is MTV. Music Television -- they call it that, they dont even play music. Hows that legal? What if everybody did that? Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza. Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas. Oh, we dont sell pizza. What? No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if youre hungry.Dan Cummins: Pizza Sale
I saw a grown man once riding one of those weird standup scooters down the side of the road -- you have to tilt to make it move forward, I think its called a Segway or a Douchebag Way -- wearing a toga and holding a sign for a pizza sale. My first thought was, Congrats, youve hit rock bottom. But my second thought was, If you took away just the sign, then that guy would rule.
Pope and Purdue
One day Mr. Purdue comes up with this great idea for the Catholic Church. Immediately he makes plane reservations to go to Rome.
When he gets into Rome he makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says this: "It is great to meet you, your Eminence, and I have a little proposition for you. See, I was in church the other day and I thought of a great idea. Purdue Chickens is ready to give the Church $500,000 if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. What do you think?"
The Pope pondered for a second and said: "I don't really think so."
Well, Mr. Purdue was not going to be let down by this so he continued: "Purdue Chickens is so organized that we figured that there would be a little dificulty in the first offer. Okay, we are prepared to give the Church $1 million dollars to change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens'."
The Pope thought a little longer this time and responded: "No, I really don't think so."
Now, Mr. Purdue was getting a little nervous. He took out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat from his brow. He said: "Now, we at Purdue Chickens didn't really think that the offer was going to go this far, but nevertheless, we prepared ourselves. We are willing to give the Church $5 million if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens.' What do you think?"
The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue blankly and then said: "Sure."
Later that day the Pope had a meeting with the Cardinals. He said: "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good new is that the Church has gained $5 million dollars. The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account."
Steven Wright 11
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Knock Knock Collection 163
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shelby!
Shelby who?
Shelby comin' round the mountain when she comes..!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shelly Cohn!
Shelly Cohn who?
Shelly Cohn carne!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherbert!
Sherbert who?
Sherbert forest is where Robin Hood lived!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherry!
Sherry who?
Sherry your lunch and I'll be your best friend!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherry!
Sherry who?
Sherry dance?
