Food jokes (3676 to 3690)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 3676 to 3690. |
Knock Knock Collection 079
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hacienda!
Hacienda who?
Hacienda the story!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hagar!
Hagar who?
Hagar, you with the stars in your eyes....!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haifa!
Haifa who?
Haifa cake is better than none!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hair!
Hair who?
Hair today, gone tomorrow!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Haiti!
Haiti who?
Haiti see a good thing go to waste!
Things you'll find Only i...
Things you'll find Only in America...Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Making out
A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they head on up to "Makeout Mountain", where things get a little hot 'n' heavy.Then the guy leans over, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
"No."
Unfazed, they continue making out.
The guy trys again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
"No.
A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it.
Soon, the man figures he can ask again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you."
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis
You Might Be A Redneck If 63
You might be a reneck if...
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".
The preacher and the peanuts...
One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him.
'Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?' he asks the lady.
'Help yourself,' she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eated almost all of the peanuts in the bowl.
'I apologize,' he says to the elderly lady. 'I only meant to eat a few.'
'That's okay,' says the lady, 'Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them.'
Two very elderly men were havi...
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this week.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
One afternoon this guy drives ...
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.The guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?"
"I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?"
With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop.
Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what do YOU want?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."
Little Johnny In Class
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.' 'Very good, William,' cooed the teacher. 'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther. 'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. 'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.' The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?' 'It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.'Things Not To Say During Childbirth:
- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there
Escargot
A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.
The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
