Food jokes (391 to 405)

The doctor had just completed

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous red haired beauty.
"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained some of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early."
Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

True Love

Boyfriend: Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Robert. I don't have a mansion like Gary. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.
Girlfriend: Oh dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?

One day, Little Johnny's teac

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck.
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary," miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?"
"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!"
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
"Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

Gender Pronouns

What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?
Her/she.

This Rising Price of Steak

What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?
February 14th.

It's Saturday morning and Bob

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on his round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So he heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's Just laying there crying"
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's just laying there not moving."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

My Uncle The Umpire

Sue: My uncle is an umpire in a restaurant.
Lou: In a restaurant?
Sue: Yes. When someone orders pancakes, he yells, “Batter up!”

Feet count

Marge was in bed with a man. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. The man said, "Oh, my gosh, your husband is home!!! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk he isn't going to notice you here with me."
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.
Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, youre so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted, "One, two, three, and four... Gosh, you're right, dear!"

There were two elderly people

There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Brenda and Steve took their si

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."

This guy was watching TV as hi

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

British top 20 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2020

The TV channel Gold’s eighth annual ranking, which is chosen by a panel chaired by the comedy critic Bruce Dessau, was put to 2,000 UK voters. Check out top 20 jokes.

1. Q: What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song?
A: Driving Home for Christmas

2. Q: Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop?
A: Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!

3. Q: Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?
A: All Virgin flights were cancelled

4. Q: Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
A: They have herd immunity

5. Q: Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?
A: Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen

6. Q: Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?
A: Because eventually, it's behind you

7. Q: Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?
A: Because there was no Zoom at the inn

8. Q: Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?
A: He doesn't know how many tiers it should have

9. Q: What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?
A: They put on a super spread

10. Q: Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
A: Home Alone

11. Q: How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly?
A: Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail

12. Q: Why won't Santa lose any presents this year?
A: He's downloaded Sack and Trace

13. Q: How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas?
A: It'll take ages to flatten the curve

14. Q: How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year?
A: Fine. No sweat

15. Q: Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials?
A: Because they only wanted guinea pigs

16. Q: Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner?
A: Eat Sprout To Help Out

17. Q: How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party?
A: Put him on mute

18. Q: How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?
A: He keeps a logbook

19. Q: Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas?
A: Marcus Rashford

20. Q: Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?
A: Because they couldn't book a home delivery

Dessert island

I'd love to be abandoned on a dessert island.

Pizza Coupon

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.
Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon.
When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

A dietitian was once addressin

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of ussitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomachlining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, andnone of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinkingwater.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all haveeaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causesthe most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."