Food jokes (376 to 390)

50 Years of Marriage

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"  

New Garlic Diet

Did you hear about the new garlic diet?
You don't actually lose weight, but you look thinner from a distance.

Flea Jumper

A flea jumped into a restaurant, nibbled on a pizza and jumped out again.
He picked himself up from the dirt, dusted himself down and said, "OK, who moved my dog?"

Sally, a blonde, goes on her f

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event – hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

No mice at hotel

Waiter: You know there are no mice at our hotel.
Customer: Why, is your hotel so clean and well maintained?
Waiter: No sir, the food is so bad.

You Might Be a Cop if... You Might Be a Cop if...
1. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
2. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
3. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
4. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
5. You believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
6. When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
7. You want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
8. You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
9. You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.
10. You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".

#joke #food #drinks #beer

The Perks of Being Over 40<

The Perks of Being Over 40
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

I'll Have A Hamburger

Customer: I’ll have a hamburger.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with pickles and onions.

Why the Croutons

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

A man travels to Spain and goe

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Nutty Service

What did the cashew say to the peanuts at church?
"Can I get an ALMOND?!"

So this posh restaurant is loo

So this posh restaurant is looking for a piano player. A friend of the manager, the owner of a nearby jazz club, has a recommendation: "You should give Stewart Campbell a ring. He's a bit eccentric, mind, but he's a genius."
Well, all artists have a bit of a peculiar side, the manager thinks. And sure enough, he calls him up and the next day Campbell shows up for an interview.
"I'm Stu," he says as he comes in, suit dishevelled, hair unkempt, and reeking of booze. "You were looking for a piano player?"
"Err, yes, what do you play?" the manager inquires.
"Anything," says Stu, "Anything at all so long as I wrote it meself."
"All... right -- can you do a little, say, smooth jazz?"
"Not a problem." Stu sits down at this stately old grand piano, and plays this most velvety, intricate but accessible piece.
As the last notes ring out, the manager is noticeably impressed. "That was great! What's it called?"
"'Bugger a Sheep While Taking a Dump'," Stu answers.
"Oh...kay," the confused manager responds. "Well, how about something a bit more uptempo, maybe some crossover?"
And sure enough, without missing a beat he performs the funkiest, sultriest piece of music you ever heard.
"That's perfect!" the manager exclaims. "Does that have a title?"
"Yeah, this one's called 'Incontinent Crack Whore On a Tuesday Morning'."
Now, the restaurant's manager finds Stu strange indeed, to say the least, but he's just so good, he has to hire him, on the one condition that he won't introduce his works.
And sure enough, the next day he's bringing the house down over dinner and the wait staff is flooded with guests sending him their compliments, when in walks the most beautiful woman, tall and blonde in heels and a little black dress, and sits down at the table right in front of the piano.
Stu is just starting another of his most inspired easy listening compositions, but he struggles to keep playing as he just cannot stop staring at this most attractive lady.
Finally, he can't take it any longer and breaks off the song midway through and and rushes to the bathroom to masturbate furiously. Just as hurriedly he rushes back and starts playing again right where he left off.
When the song has finished the woman asks Stu, "Excuse me, do you know your cock's hanging out and there's cum all over your shoes?"
And Stu responds, "Know it? I f**king WROTE it!"

An Irish man walks in to a bar

An Irish man walks in to a bar with bandages all round his feet.
His friend asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well," he said, "it all started with a can of soup which said on it 'open can and stand in boiling water for ten minutes'... so i did."

Quiet Voices

The Devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.”
I whispered in the Devil’s ear, “I like your eggs.”

Why They Like Chinese Food

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that 'Won Ton' spelled backward is 'Not Now'.