Food jokes (361 to 375)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 361 to 375. |
The Preacher and the Peanuts
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all!" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."-Persevere!
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”1000 Points to Get Into Heaven
A man dies and goes to heaven when Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “You need 1000 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all of the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item. When you reach 1000 points, you get in.”“Okay,” the man says, “I was happily married to the same woman for fifty years and never cheated on her, not even in my mind.”“That’s wonderful,” says Peter, “that’s worth two points!”“Two points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and gave my ten percent tithe faithfully.”“Terrific!” says Peter. “That’s definitely worth a point.”“One point? My goodness! Well, what about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for the homeless?”“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.“TWO POINTS!” the man cries. “At this rate the only way I can get into heaven is by the grace of God!”“Now that’s what we’re looking for! Come on in!”Mrs. Jones was reading a lette
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband."Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience', so I made it 'risk'."
Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Easter
10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments." 9. You look really, really good in yellow. 8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge. 7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad. 6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies. 5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed. 4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason. 3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play." 2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot. 1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?May Joe R.I.P.
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
What Goes Around, Comes Around
An older couple went to dinner at a trendy restaurant that had no printed menus--just a scannable QR code to see the menu on your phone.
After much grumbling about new-fangled things, they ordered a light dinner and afterward the waiter delivered the check.
When the waiter came back for payment, the husband displayed his phone to the waiter showing an image of a $100 bill.
"Here. You can keep the change."
