Food jokes (3901 to 3915)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 3901 to 3915. |
Yo Mama Is So Dark
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
Yo mama so dark she spits chocolate milk!
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent.
Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo mama so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers.
Prenuptial Agreement
...
Prenuptial AgreementPlease sign,
I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.
2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.
4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
6. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
7. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".
10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine, of course.
Signed ____________________________________
Date ____________________
Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter
From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
A man observed a sign in the w...
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
Retarded Grandparents
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:Ret We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida ...Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do is jump up and down in it...with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
Police officer pulled this ...
Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
Vending Machine
After many unhappy replies from our current
vending service we decided that what they
really needed was a different form letter
that was more closely tied to their true
feeling:
BFD Vending Service
Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints
about our vending service.
___ We are aware that _____________ machine
has not been stocked in _____ days.
__ We are waiting for the weekend.
__ We are out of items that have expired.
__ We're busy, don't bother us about this.
__ We don't care.
___ We are aware that the price for _______
seems high at $_______ but,
__ we have to make a living.
__ we use an algorithm 3*retail+your_age.
__ we charge others more.
__ we adjust it to allow for spoilage.
___ We are aware that
__ the sodas are warm
__ the milk is curdled
__ sandwiches are stale
__ gum is hard
__ candy bars are petrified
and assure you that that is
the way it is supposed to be, really.
___ We understand that
__ the bill changer can't,
__ coin return won't,
__ product selection doesn't,
and believe that
__ you should relax, it all evens out.
__ learn to live with it.
__ bring in your own change next time.
__ be happy it gave you anything.
__ quit eating so much junk food.
Thank you and Happy Eating.
Clinton is Vacationing #joke #politics
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."
#joke #food #honey
Ponderings Collection 40
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
A wife was making a breakfast ...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! "
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
#joke #food #breakfast #butter #salt #egg
Sue
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?""Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?
"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?
"Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Picture menu....
I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".
I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.
Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
#joke #food #burger
