Food jokes (4141 to 4155)

Uses of Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

Submitted by sai1ram

Edited by Curtis, yisman and Calamjo

You Might Be A Redneck If 12

You might be a redneck if...
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Three guys, who have just got ...

Three guys, who have just got married, are sitting in their hotel bar after all the receptions, having a beer. As they talk, it transpires that all three are virgins, and are a bit naive of how many times they can expect to have sex with their new bride that evening. One devises a plan of how they can relay this information to the others at breakfast without getting a slap.

"All we do is order as many rounds of toast for how many times you had it last night" he says, and the others readily agree.

At breakfast the next morning, all three guys look very happy with themselves. The first bloke orders cornflakes, and in a loud voice asks for 4 slices of toast, and the others give him a wink and a thumbs up.

The next guy orders scrambled eggs, and again in a voice so the others can hear orders 6 slices of toast. Again, his mates give him a good on yer look.

The next guy orders a full english breakfast, and then asks for EIGHT slices of toast. His mates give a low whistle of approval, and as the waiter walks away, the guy says to the waiter "Oh, and could you make two of those brown, please mate".

What did the pig say on a hot ...

What did the pig say on a hot summer's day?

Mommy, you are getting fat!

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied ... "but what is growing in your butt?"

One of the mysteries of life i...

One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.

The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.

It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.

What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?
You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.

Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.

Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.

My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.

What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? I shrinks two sizes.

It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.

First time in the big city...

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

The System

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your ..."

A chicken and an egg were layi...

A chicken and an egg were laying in bed, smoking cigarettes, the covers and sheets all messed up. The chicken laid there with a big, stupid grin all over its face.

The egg, looking disgusted, blew out a stream of smoke, looked over at the chicken, and said, "Well, I guess we answered that question, didn't we?"

Ever wonder WHY … Ever wonder WHY …

• the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
• is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
• they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
• don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• they call the airport the terminal?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

#joke #doctor #animal #cat #dog #mouse #sheep #fruit #lemon #food #drinks #juice

What Would Tiger Do?

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, I have a confession to make. Im not a virgin. Ive been with one other guy.
Oh yeah? Who was the guy?
Tiger Woods, the golfer.
Well, hes rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. What are you doing? asks the wife.
Im hungry. Im calling room service.
Tiger wouldnt do that.
Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?
Hed come back to bed and do it a second time.
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
What are you doing now? she asks.
Im still hungry, so Im going to ring room service for some food.
Tiger wouldnt do that.
Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?
Hed come back to bed and do it one more time.
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, Are you calling room service?
No! Im calling Tiger Woods to find out whats par for this hole!

Only in America...... Only in America......

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
• do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

#joke #animal #dog #food #pizza #fries #drinks #coke

Georgy Porgey pudding pie
...

Georgy Porgey pudding pie
kissed the girls and made them cry

when the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay!!!

Cookies in Heaven?

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A: A wine and cheese party.