Food jokes (556 to 570)

Travel Agent Terms Travel Agent Terms
No extra fees – No extras available.
Bird Watchers Paradise – Your car's paint will never be the same.
Nominal fee – Outrageous charge.
Standard – Sub-standard.
Deluxe – Barely Standard.
Superior accommodations- One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
All the amenities – Two chocolates, two shower caps.
Just Like Home – No Maid service.
Plush – Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
Gentle breezes – In hurricane alley.
Light and airy – No air conditioning.
Picturesque – Theme park nearby.
24-hour bar – Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).
Old world charm – Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.
Tropical – Rainy.
Majestic setting – A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
Options galore – Nothing is included in the price.
Secluded hideaway – Directions to locate unclear.
Some budget rooms – Sorry, already occupied.
Explore on your own – At your own expense.
Minutes From ... – By Plane
Romantic – No Phone in room
Knowledgeable trip hosts – They've flown in an airplane before.

#joke #animal #bird #food #chocolate

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 22

Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.
Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!

 Humor About Retirement

OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone
OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air

When ordering seconds of Jamai

When ordering seconds of Jamaican food at a restaurant in Utah, you have to ask for “more man“.

 Silly Collection 23

What has a bottom at the top?
I don't know?
Your legs!

What is a skeleton?
Bones, with the person off!

What might you eat in Paris?
The trifle tower!

Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes?
Sir Francis Brake!

Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?
No, but in the cafe next door I once saw a man eating chicken!

What is the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it in half!

What do you get if you cross a Scottish legend and a bad egg?
The Loch Ness Pongster!

“After eating a half

“After eating a half dozen donuts, the customer developed a glazed look on his face.”

Every night after dinner, Harr

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

I eat pie and it makes me sick

I eat pie and it makes me sick. I'm a member of the Flu Flux Flan.

Starting that Diet

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

 Great First Parent

The First Parent
by Bill Cosby
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?", Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Best Eggs

Waiter: These are the best eggs we have had for years!
Customer: Well, bring me some you haven't had around for that long!

The Mousetrap

A man bought a mousetrap. When he brought it home, he discovered that he had no cheese to bait it with. So he found a picture of some cheese and put the picture in the trap.
The next morning he went to the trap to see if it had caught anything. The picture of the cheese was gone. In its place was a picture of a mouse.

All you need is a sick mind an

All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!
Are you stoned or just stupid?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha!
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

 Question And Answer

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.
Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

The Lobster and Dinner

A fisherman carrying a lobster bumped into a friend on the way home.
“Where are you going with the lobster under your arm?” asked his friend.
The fisherman answered, “I’m taking him home to dinner.”
Just then the lobster spoke up, “I’ve already had my dinner, can we go to a movie instead?”