Food jokes (1141 to 1155)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 1141 to 1155. |
Feeling listless, I bought som
Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label."This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can’t believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing wild in the yard!"
"See?" he said. "You’re smarter already."
Growing Tomatoes
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
SHARING
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering `That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.`
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they`re just fine - they`re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says `No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.`
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks `May I ask what is it you are waiting for?`
The old woman answers... `THE TEETH.`
It was mailman George's last
It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"
"Breakfast was my idea."
Complicated order
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."
The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"
New York Crazy Law
Carmel
Greene
New York
Ocean City
Staten Island
Ponderings Collection 22
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 sylables in the word "monosylabic"?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Soap and water...
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes EVER washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
"She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
What guys really mean...
'I'm going fishing.'Really means... 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety.'
'It's a guy thing.'
Really means.... 'There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making
it logical.'
'Can I help with dinner?'
Really means... 'Why isn't it already on the table?'
'Uh huh,' 'Sure, honey,' or 'Yes, dear.'
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
'It would take too long to explain.'
Really means... 'I have no idea how it works.'
'I'm getting more exercise lately.'
Really means... 'The batteries in the remote are dead.'
'We're going to be late.'
Really means... 'Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like
a maniac.'
'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.'
Really means....'I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner.'
'That's interesting, dear.'
Really means... 'Are you still talking?'
'Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.'
Really means... 'I forgot our anniversary again.'
'You expect too much of me.'
Really means... 'You want me to stay awake?'
'That's women's work.'
Really means... 'It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.'
'You know how bad my memory is.'
Really means... 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday.'
'Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.'
Really means... 'I have severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt.'
'I do help around the house.'
Really means... 'I once put a dirty towel in the laundry
basket.'
'Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.'
Really means... 'I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty
soon.'
'I can't find it.'
Really means... 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless.'
'What did I do this time?'
Really means... 'What did you catch me doing?'
'I heard you.'
Really means... 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at
me.'
'You look terrific.'
Really means... 'Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit. I'm starving.'
'I missed you.'
Really means... 'I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper.'
'I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.'
Really means... 'I'm lost. I have no idea where we are,
and no one will ever see us alive again.'
'We share the housework.'
Really means... 'I make the messes, you clean them up.'
'This relationship is getting too serious.'
Really means... 'You're cutting into the time I spend with
my truck.'
'I don't need to read the instructions.'
Really means... 'I am perfectly capable of screwing it up
without printed help.'
California Crazy Law
Arcadia
Alhambra
Baldwin Park
Belvedere
Blythe
Burlingame
Carmel
Chico
Downey
Hollywood
Lafayette
Lodi
Lompoc
Long Beach
Los Angeles
Ontario
Pacific Grove
Palm Springs
Pasadena
Prunedale
Redlands
Riverside
San Diego
San Francisco
San Jose
Santa Monica
Temecula
Adam and Eve...
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.... When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Good To Be French
Top reasons why it's great to be French
- Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
- You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
- If there's a war you can surrender really early
- You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
- You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
- You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
- Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
- People think you're a great lover even when you're not
Thinking ahead ......
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the houseNothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!