Food jokes (1126 to 1140)

Ancient Hebrew Scroll’s Uncovered

These ancient scroll’s explain Why the Jews Left Egypt.
Translated in March of 5777 and given the title 'For This We Left Egypt' by the 3 wise men, Alan Zweibel, Dave Barry & Adam Mansbach. It tells the story of the Jewish people's slavery in Egypt, their release from bondage, and their mass exodus to the Promised Land. It is a much-beloved book, steeped in tradition and replete with prayers and songs of celebration in addition to fun pictures of inedible food and deadly plagues.
Yet what has confounded rabbis and been a source of much theological debate through the centuries is the word Haggadah itself. What does it mean?
Some have contended that it does not have a definition. that the word itself defines the text-just as the word kneecap has no other meaning than, well, kneecap.
In fact, Haggadah is not a word, but rather the name of the only former Hebrew slave to drown once the waters of the parted Red Sea, unparted. Haggadah crossed safely, but went back to retrieve a sandal that had come off his foot during that hectic rush between the walls of water. As a handful of witnesses overheard and subsequently blabbered to their Old Testament neighbors, the conversation between Haggadah and Moses once they reached the other side was as follows.
'Hey, Moses, do me a favor and keep the Red Sea parted just a few minutes longer? I gotta get my sandal.'
'To hell with your sandal, Haggadah! I've got to unpart these waters so the Pharaoh's army drowns. My G-d, it's been hundreds of years since we relaxed.'
'So what am I supposed to do?'
'Hop to the Promised Land, Haggadah.'
But the portly Haggadah did not pay heed. He waddled back for his beloved sandal (it's been said the pair were a gift from his aged mother shortly before she died of dysentery, leprosy, intestinal worms, plague, scurvy, and exposure), retrieved it, placed it on his foot, turned, and started running in an attempt to rejoin his now liberated brethren. But it was not to be, as the walls of the Red Sea came crashing down upon him-the irony being that about ten minutes later his retrieved sandal
washed ashore, where it was reshaped by Moses into a hand puppet to amuse his grandchildren. Click here to obtain the full text.

Only in America

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...

 Ponderings Collection 18

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

A Very Good Reason...

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is, he replied.... "Breakfast."

Boycott sugar. Shop lo

Boycott sugar. Shop lo-cal.

Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

 Olympic City Bribery

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven.
7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.
5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."
3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...
1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
This list is copyrighted by Chris White.

The latest mergers

Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

Goat for dinner....

This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

The # 1 April Fools Prank of All Time - The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

April 1, 1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop.

It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in.

Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, 'place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.'

Even the director-general of the BBC later admitted that after seeing the show he checked in an encyclopedia to find out if that was how spaghetti actually grew (but the encyclopedia had no information on the topic).

The broadcast remains, by far, the most popular and widely acclaimed April Fool's Day hoax ever, making it an easy pick for number one. #1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

I am passing this on to you be...

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

 Menu Item Translations

The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried friendship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
French Creeps - L.A.
Fried fishermen - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania
Product Names
Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Libido - Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Zit - Greek soft drink
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent

Far away in the tropical water

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawnswere swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & theother called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened bysharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said toChristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted"& lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of beingeaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a sharkboring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away wheneverhe came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacingappearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again& he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him backinto a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changedback, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to hisfriends & bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't seehis old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to theenemy & became a shark",came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, heset off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. Hebanged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,come out & see me again."
Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

So this isn't Home Sweet Home

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower yourstandards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's evenworse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen isdelirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for theyshall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen andgone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vendingmachines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to aspeed bump.
Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

Deer Camp

Four guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and comes to breakfast the next morning with hair a mess and eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said: "Man, what happened to you?"

He said: Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night, it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said: "Man what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said: "Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn't do anything but sit up and watch him all night."

The third night was Rich's turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.

They asked: "Man, what happened?"

He said: "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his behind and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.