Food jokes (1201 to 1215)

A boss was complaining in a st

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn'tgetting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop andbought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to hisoffice door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone hadtaped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her signback!"

 Sorry For Eating The Peanuts

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

Persevere!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”

A robust-looking gentleman ate

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"
"I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter.
"Oh, it's quite all right," said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

Todd Barry: Germaphobe

It's paralyzing being a germaphobe; lots of places are really paralyzing to me. Laundromats have these baskets on wheels -- some guy will come in with a big bag of disgusting laundry, put it in the basket, move it into the washer. And I'm supposed to take my clean laundry out of the dryer, put it in that exact same basket. I don't mind something having a dual purpose but can't it be like, 'What's that big green box over there?' 'Oh that's a dumpster and we also use that to store soup.'

So I was having lunch with Bob

So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass the salt!

Eating Italian food is sure to

Eating Italian food is sure to boost your meataballism.

We can't wait for Pride!

We can't wait for Pride! The best ribs and burgers are served at LGBBQ events.

1. I can please only one perso

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Dumb Parents
Dumb Parents
Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room. Sex-ed is so advanced now, they also give homework!
I heard my daughter tell her friend she ate her boyfriend's cock last night. Last time I checked she didn't like chicken for dinner!
My son and his friends are great. They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home!
My husband is so thoughtful...I overheard him say he gave his secretary a cream pie.
My son's black friends always ask me if I can "make it clap"...of course I can. All I need is two hands.
My daughter's boyfriend always checks her for breast cancer...How considerate.
My son's black friends must be bad at basketball...They keep talking about how they want to double team me.
My son used a whole box of tissues last week ... He must be really sick.
My son wants to make video games when he grows up. So it's important he plays as much as he can to learn.
My son is in his room watching "human reproduction videos" for his science class.
I put the oregano in my sons room all over my spaghetti and now everything has been so funny for me.
My son's friend said he wanted to get "stoned"...What a horrible way to die. Why would he say that?
My son sent a text to his girlfriend saying "I'm gonna tear that pussy up". He's grounded! Animal abuse is NOT tolerated in this household!
I think my daughter secretly loves star wars, I found a vibrating light saber under her bed!
I swear bugs fly near my head just to watch me slap myself.
My son is always tending to his in-home garden...I never understood why he grows his plants in the closet though.
My daughter is such a great tutor...Every boy in school is always leaving her room with a big smile on their face.
My son and his friend always talk about getting that weed, never knew they took gardening so seriously.
My sons friend keep asking me if my back door is open. They must love the new pool!
My husband has been coming home late because he's been training his new secretary. He's so considerate.
My son always deletes the history on his laptop...He's always thinking of ways to make it run faster! Smart boy.

#joke #animal #chicken #food #dinner #pie

1000 Points to Get Into Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven when Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “You need 1000 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all of the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item. When you reach 1000 points, you get in.”“Okay,” the man says, “I was happily married to the same woman for fifty years and never cheated on her, not even in my mind.”“That’s wonderful,” says Peter, “that’s worth two points!”“Two points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and gave my ten percent tithe faithfully.”“Terrific!” says Peter. “That’s definitely worth a point.”“One point? My goodness! Well, what about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for the homeless?”“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.“TWO POINTS!” the man cries. “At this rate the only way I can get into heaven is by the grace of God!”“Now that’s what we’re looking for! Come on in!”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

A wife invited some people to

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 Mommy Mommy 04

Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!

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Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.

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Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.

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Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.

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Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.

A little boy came down for bre...

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

 Food One-liners

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.