Food jokes (1306 to 1320)

 Dumb Alabama Laws

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

You may not drive barefooted.

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Masks may not be worn in public.

Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

Incestous marriages are legal.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

You must have windshield wipers on your car.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Anniston

You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Jasper

It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

Lee County

It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mobile

It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.

It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

Montgomery

It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

#joke #animal #horse #bear #food #salt #peanuts #divorce

Two guys, one 80 and one 87...

Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me."

 Deep Thoughts 12

Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up.
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a dear.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

A little boy was sitting outsi...

A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said: "You shouldn't be eating so much candy, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much candy."
The little boy looked up and said: "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old."
The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?"
The little boy said: "No... by minding his own business."

Closer Than You Think!

Closer Than You Think!
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

Signs of the times....

These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny!

In the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

On an electrician's truck,
'Let us remove your shorts.'

Outside a radiator repair shop,
'Best place in town to take a leak.'

In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a maternity room door,
'Push, Push, Push.'

On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'

At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a taxidermist's window,
'We really know our stuff.'

On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'

On a fence,
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

In a dry cleaner's emporium,
'Drop your pants here.'

On a desk in a reception room,
'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Beauty Shop,
'Dye now!'

In a restaurant window,
'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

Inside a bowling alley,
'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.'

In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'

Guilt...

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"

Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."

Checking the menu, a restauran

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the table cloth.
He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Well, maybe it has a leek in it!"

Oxymorons

47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. 'Now, then ...'
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works

Are Caterpillars Good To Eat?

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

A man was sitting next to me i...

A man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.
After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room again.
He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."
"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

1. A day without sunshine is

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're inthe wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23.. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Questions to ponder....

If Con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

A Japanese company ( Toyota )

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India
Sadly, the End.
Sad, but oh so true! Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US
The last quarter's results:
Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WASN'T SO SAD IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

A housewife with three young c...

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.
She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."
"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"