Food jokes (1321 to 1335)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 1321 to 1335. |
Where are the monkeys?
The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys?"
"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."
"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts?"
Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"
The Laws Of Ultimate Realit
The Laws Of Ultimate RealityLaw of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
The Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law:
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
The newly rich couple were hav
The newly rich couple were having trouble adjusting to life in their mansion. After the first dinner there, the husband asked his wife, "Shall we have coffee in the library?""Too late," she replied. "The library closes at five."
Prison vs. Work
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
Knock Knock Collection 039
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Colin!
Colin who?
Colin the doctor, I feel ill!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Collier!
Collier who?
Collier big brother see if I care!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cologne!
Cologne who?
Cologne me names won't help!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Coolidge!
Coolidge who?
Coolidge a cucumber!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Conga!
Conga who?
Conga go on meeting like this!
Deep Thoughts 11
It you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
Answering Machine Message 240
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.
Cemetery can be fun
Born 1903-Died 1942Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
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In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast..
Pardon me
For not rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
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A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange. .
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
*****************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
*****************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.
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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God
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In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on thetombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went
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Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The Pre-birth Class
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
PRISON vs WORK
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to payfor it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock andopen all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no workrequired.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work andthen they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through barsfrom the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get outand go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.
When I finally left my last place of work, it was just likebeing released from prison, as I was free to do whateverI wanted to.
Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"
Robert Schmidt 01
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Assortment Of Jokes
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? !
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
